Stuck

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Stuck.

I really don't like feeling so down, sad, depressed all the time. I really don't. 

I wish I could find even one simple thing to make me feel happy.

Before you start, YES, E makes me happy, don't get me wrong, but I'm talking about other facets of life.

I guess I mean "hopeful"...I wish I could feel hopeful.

And actually I was feeling hopeful for the past few days, but had that all stripped from me yesterday. 

I wish I had something else to be hopeful about. It's certainly NOT the future. Not right now.

In related crappy news, I only have 1 child signed up for my Scrapbooking Camp.

Sure, it's early, but I also know that a lot of people have summer stuff lined up already, so it's really not THAT early.

I've been hopeful my camps would fill up...and I'm already bracing myself for the letdown.

What if no one else signs up and I have to cancel the whole thing? 

Then there's the part where I am an emotional eater. 

Not good when times suck like they do right now.

Ironically, I've lost 4lbs this week only because I promised my aunt we would do a "long-distance diet" together beginning last Sunday.

Tangent: My whole "deal" with Starbucks...pure emotions...I only want an Iced Chai because it somehow makes me "happy" and/or "brightens my day" (except when it's not made well & I've driven off already)....I don't need or want the caffeine. 

While I failed at quitting SBUX altogether, I did go 9 days w/o going there (huge!!), then had a few the following week. I last had one on Wednesday but I DO plan to give them up completely for Lent...so I'm calling this "practice"

Adding to all this dreariness...the Disney Princess 1/2 marathon is this weekend. Even if I do "hate" running, I wish MORE THAN ANYTHING that I was there right now. My two friends that I met there last year are there again this year. All I can remember was how great I felt the moment I finished the race and the entire afternoon afterward.  What a rush. I want that feeling again.

Instead I'm off to another terribly boring weekend, doing nothing fun or exciting.

plan & unplan

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That has been the story around here recently...

I had been wanting/hoping to go to FL over my Spring Break, primarily to see Mike's wife AND to just getaway...just me and E. Good Times.

So just a few days ago it looked like it was a "go"....then Libya and all that drama started & gas prices started going up.

Prices are already over $3.10 in mid-Florida and I can only imagine that over the next 3 weeks they will continue to rise.

So today I have pretty much come to the realization that E and I will NOT be going to FL for Spring Break after all.

And that sucks!

I'm so freakin' sick of being STUCK here w/no plans and no money ability to make any. It's the pits.

Sure, we'll probably finally get to the awesome children's museum in Chattanooga w/my mom, but that's one day...what to do with the other 4?!?! *sigh*

I'm entertaining the idea of a one-night trip to Atlanta, but not sure I could make that work...we'll see.

So now I have to hope that gas prices eventually come back down and they have until June when school gets out to do that...hopefully then E and I could head to FL.

FML

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Why this week qualifies as a FML - week...

*Monday - Ethan had his teeth "procedure" done...it was a nightmare of a day.

*I had Kindergarten Screening duty all day Tues-Wed-Thurs...it wasn't awful, but it was terribly repetitive (giving same test to 52 incoming kindergarten kiddos) and boring. I am also behind on other regular work duties.

*Spent a big portion of my tax refund getting new front brakes & pads.

*E peed his pants 3 minutes after I finished dressing him this morning. It's so frustrating considering that I just asked him if he needed to go to the potty. This then makes me have to rush & potentially be late for work.

*No sooner did mom & I make the decision to take E to the kids museum on Friday did she start having cold symptoms!! Seriously! She is still not better so we will do NOTHING on Friday.

*Have a 4 day weekend and no effin money to do anything fun...this makes me terribly irate and I'm having a hard time accepting this one. Totally pathetic life.  Four freakin' boring ass days stuck at home.

*In such a crummy mood that I have NO desire (or mojo) to scrapbook! WTF?

I wonder...

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I wonder if I'll ever:

*not feel like a failure.

*be financially independent.

*be happy.

It feels like an impossibility and I'm doubting it very much today!!!!!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

is it Friday yet?

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It hadn't seemed like a long week...until today.

I went to sleep at 9pm-ish last night and woke up ridiculously tired.

What is the deal with that?

I finally got back on the treadmill, but seriously, I only ran 2 miles.

Hardly justifies being SO tired.

It's not only a long week...it's a long day for me today.

After-school tutoring 'til 5pm.

Cutting out at 4:30pm though to go to a counselor meeting.

Will be there 'til about 7pm. *sigh*

I'm still struggling with the loss of my wonderful friend.

Prior to him, I hadn't had someone close to me die in a long time.

Turns out FL has some whacked laws regarding death.

His service has still not been scheduled. 

Tomorrow will be ONE WEEK since he passed.

He donated his eyes...he would be happy about that. 

I'm stuck in the "just want one more day w/him" stage.

And I'm also stuck wishing I had seen him more frequently over the past 10 years.

I hate these feelings. 

Nothing comforts me. Music...nope. Words...nope.

I dug out all the pics I had of him (not too many).

They are hanging on the fridge right now.

Monday I was a wreck (especially at mass).

Tuesday I was numb.

Wednesday I was strong.

Thursday I fell apart.

Today...I just am.

I went 9 days w/o getting an Iced Chai @ Starbucks.

I caved on Tuesday (Ethan's Birthday).

I didn't feel too awful for giving in though.

It was still HUGE progress for me.

I used to go usually every other day. Sometimes more.

I am back on my "Starbucks Ban"

Hoping to last all the way to Easter this time.

My pocketbook will be so happy.

E is 3!!!

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We celebrated Ethan's 3rd birthday yesterday with cupcakes at his school followed by a pizza party dinner at home with a few friends and family...and more cake and ice cream too!!

It seems that time flies a whole lot faster since he has come into my life...how does that happen?

So Much Sadness

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Today I lost a very, very dear friend.

Just yesterday I was told he was going into hospice.

It was all way too quick.

He was only 62.

He was a great family friend who I have known for more than 20 years beginning back in Michigan.

Back in my (much) younger days, my mom, dad and I often went out to dinner with him and his wife on Friday nights. They did not have any children...I was sort of their pseudo-child. 

He was the funniest and most amazing person ever...I remember he would fold dollar bills into rings - to wear on your hands - the number part of the bill would be right in the middle of the ring. As a teen, you would think I would not want to go to dinner w/my parents and their friends...but I ALWAYS wanted to go when it was dinner with this couple. They both had such a special place in my heart, but I must confess that this was especially the case for Mike. I just thought he was 'the cat's meow' ...making me laugh, being silly and always making me feel special.

Throughout my late 20s and 30s I had very little contact with them...no reason really...just life being busy I suppose and I was moving all over the country. They had since retired and moved from Michigan down to Florida.

When mom, Ethan and I went down to FL for the Princess 1/2 last year, we stayed one night with them. I was soooooooooo excited to see them both after all these years. It was a great time and he was just as fun as ever...but I really noticed how he had aged. It worried me.

I say that because about 20 years ago he had a massive heart attack, coded and was brought back...so the years since then have held many health issues for him, although you would NEVER know it from how he presents himself...always so joyful.

Two weeks ago he got pneumonia and was admitted to the hospital. When he got out of ICU and into a regular room I was able to call him and I am SOOOO glad I did....I never thought that it would be the last time I ever would talk to him. In fact, I had just mentioned to my mom wanting to drive down to their house for Spring Break as they had invited me to stay there any time...I thought it would be the perfect getaway for Ethan and I. :( 

My mom and her husband spent a couple nights at their house recently and celebrated ringing in the new year with them. My mom failed to let me know they had arrived safely so when she finally called me, I spoke with both Mike and his wife...on New Year's Eve. Mike's wife told me that Mike has always thought I was "the bees knees"(or some other similar phrase...can't remember exactly what she said)...anyway since that was pretty much how I felt about him, it was great to hear that from her. I don't even know how to express the feelings I had for him...love, but a special kind of love...there was no one else like him. I am so crushed that I will never see him again...and I'm trying to remember and be grateful for the chance of seeing him last March.

I am also so so sad for Mike's wife right now...I can't imagine how she must feel. Maybe Ethan and I will still go down and visit with her if possible...it would be hard but I'm sure she would love visitors.

I was driving when my mom told me the devastating news today...between tears and rain, I'm probably lucky that I made it to my destination in one piece.

2011 continues to disappoint. Big time.

random update

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*wow...I can't believe more than a week has passed since I've written a blog post...I guess that is just life being busy and getting in the way. it's ok.

*I got the "A-OK" from the principal to do the Scrapbook Camp. I am super excited about it and am working on my registration form as well as a simple blog site to post pictures of what the students will be making during the week.

*Instead of doing 2 separate weeks for the age groups, I've changed it to do one in the morning and the other in the afternoon. That also helps out if the camps fill up, I will simply add another week to accommodate all interested parties.

*Ethan has been sick this week...it started on Saturday. I stayed home w/him on Monday and we went to the pediatrician & got a ZPack. Tuesday he stayed home w/O since he is working some crazy hours right now - like 9pm-2am...nuts. On Tuesday night we visited my mom for a bit & Ethan seemed a lot better & the fever was gone. On Wednesday he went back to school (unwillingly of course) and at 11am they called to tell me that he had a 99.5 fever and that he was laying on his mat while all the other kids were playing...that is so NOT my kid. So off I went to pick him up and he was definitely not feeling well...glassy eyes, cuddly (which I love btw), sneezy & still coughing. The best part, we enjoyed a 2 hour nap together....oh my I miss those days!! Today he stayed home w/O again.

*This is a bizarre week @ school for me too...well, when I've been here that is, which feels like hardly at all...it's Catholic Schools Week, so there have been activities everyday for the students. Today there are staff vs. student volleyball games. I am so NOT playing. Ha...then they asked me to be a cheerleader...ha...no...clearly they have no idea what my role was back in my school days. ETA: I just got bullied into playing on the teacher volleyball team. Anyway, we have early dismissal on Friday after a staff luncheon. I've also been told that staff is "showered" with goodies this week...haven't seen that yet...but remember that "favorites" list I had to fill out...it was for this week. ???

*I sent an email to my mom and O which included my Amazon Wishlist...this was mainly for O, you know...and his crappy gifting skills...anyway, I let them know that anything on that list would be fantastic for my 40th bday and so would a great big Mac computer. I am so *over* my desktop piece of junk...I think I am going to the dark side...it's worth a try...especially if someone else buys it for me...which I totally DOUBT will happen..but can't hurt to ask, right?

*Still seriously considering/thinking about/planning relocating back to Texas. It's scarier this time around though...I guess because the move is MORE than just me now. Moving myself was always so easy. This seems unmanageable to be. I've already found a school counselor job opening at a local high school in North Texas if I choose to stay in this field. I'm also applying for things back in the recruiting realm. I hope things fall into place on this one because it is truly stressing me out.

*I am thankful for a surprisingly nice tax refund. It will help lower my stress level and I could not be more happy about that. I *SO* needed some good news around here.