Consider yourself warned as this post is selfishly for me to get things off my chest...I've talked to friends, family & even a counselor and am now at a point where none of that seems to help me feel better and so "getting it down on paper" is my next option. I don't want to wear out my friends any more than I already have.
This will be long. Read if you want. Don't read if you don't want to. I'm good either way.
So I guess to start, my lack of blogging is due to the fact that I've had significant life changes beginning last Fall and (sorta) "ending" last month - though not completely ending. Here's an easy timeline that lays everything out and if I ever want to reference it, at least it will be here for me.
Sep 2017 - discovered MANY pieces of proof of O cheating.
Nov 2017 - told O I wanted to divorce and reasons why (above & then some). We later decide to get through holidays first and talk about filing in Jan 2018.
Later Nov 2017 - O says he's going to job site in KY on Sunday nights to get ready for week, but turns out he's shacking up at his 27yo girlfriend's apartment. Not only did he lie to me about this, but also to our 10yo son.
Dec 17, 2017 - I obtained pictures of his truck outside her apt and filed for divorce on Dec 20. Felt happy & relieved as I knew I could move forward with filing with NO guilt.
Dec 2017 - he continues to stay with gf, but now also through the week while E and I remain in the house. I'm glad he was not around, but also disgusted & disappointed with the pathetic example he set and continues to set for E. He is so ridiculously selfish.
Late Jan 2018 - sold the house.
Feb 2018 - longest month in the history of ever. Counting down the 90 day waiting period for my divorce to be final. Miserable most of this month awaiting "closure". Through all of this, I am thankful that I was no longer "in love" with him and therefore had NO heartache over all this...a lot of anger...but no heartache.
March 2, 2018 - E and I moved in with a friend/former neighbor.
March 2, 2018 - "discovered" a house for sale by owner on same street of our 1st house and 5 houses down from friend/former neighbor...priced a bit high, but I decide to pursue it.
March 4, 2018 - look at the house down the street, LOVED it & put in an offer. After some back/forth and another $5k, they accept my offer. Market is horrible here for small houses, in that they go quickly & there is a lot of competition for them, so I'm relieved to have found something in a good area and where E is familiar and will not have to change schools. Now commence the stress of making a house payment larger than what I had hoped for. Ugh!
March 8, 2018 - O ended up buying a condo in a town 30 minutes away. His g/f moves in with him which is COMPLETELY against the Parenting Plan. I actually didn't discover this until March 18 (see below).
March 9, 2018 - closed on house. Oddly this caused me many tears, though I was not at all attached to the house. We lived there only 10 months....which was infuriating (and embarrassing at the closing IMO) - having to move again.
March 18, 2018 - Ethan spends the day with O since he missed the weekend prior due to us being in FL. Ethan returns home at the end of the day to tell me that O's g/f "coincidentally" showed up at the go kart track they went to....in a town where there are 30+ go kart tracks. Furious doesn't begin to explain my feelings. I can't even say anything to O about it because he's such an asshole that he tells E that he is a "snitch"...what a great dad, huh? I don't do well holding on to anger and it was nearly killing me not being able to unleash some really foul language on O. I even told O prior to the divorce being final that I would NOT tolerate this & would report him for contempt of court and in true O-fashion, he ignores it as he thinks he is above the law and does as he pleases.
March 19, 2018 - contacted my lawyer about O breaking the parenting plan. The plan states that NO romantic partners are to be introduced to E until 6 months after divorce is final & no overnight guests of the opposite sex either. That 6 month date is September 21, 2018. O even told E that the g/f would be staying with him and will be there on weekends when E is with him. My blood was boiling. Lawyer never returns my call.
March 20, 2018 - divorce is final. I could not be happier. Glad to be FREE. Never realized how much O "kept me from". Looking forward to a happier future.
Late March 2018 - drama about O and the g/f continue & I contact lawyer again. Finally have a date/time for discussion about filing Contempt of Court against him. Turns out it's a complete waste of time & energy to even have that 6 month clause in the parenting plan because it would cost me $$$ to take him to court and then by the time we'd get into court, the 6 month window will have passed and it's a moot point. There are also potential repercussions to think about, financial & emotional (for E). Additionally, the damage is already done. E has met her etc. They are doing the whole "disney dad" thing, buying everything that Ethan asks for and taking him to places like Main Event, Jump Jam, Go Karts etc. We did these things while married, but not every weekend. Can you say "manipulation"? Turns out the divorce drama is SO MUCH MORE AFTER the divorce is final vs. as when it was going on. What's the point then in even having this in divorce paperwork?!? It's pretty standard...but pointless.
April 2018 - this is the month of drama....NONE caused by me, I swear. O decides he wants to hold onto my step sister and her family for his own. Honestly, I'm not that close with them, but I also have boundaries and feel he is way out of line. I am not seeking to stay in touch with ANY of his family. In fact, I even honored his wishes of NOT telling his mother for months that we were divorcing because he didn't want to upset her until the last minute I guess. He has gone so far as to Facebook with these family members and say unkind things about me. THEN it turns out that my (evil?) step sister replies and says how she never felt like I thought they were my equals, as in, I thought less of them etc. She also told him they do not believe that he cheated and the things that I told her he did. Wow - seriously! To add to this, just over a year ago, my dad moved up to VA and lives next door to her. Now, while he is my stepdad, he did raise me, but I'm pretty close to cutting him off at this point because he says he is going to be neutral (for now). Well, I won't be going up there to see him EVER so what's the point in being neutral. O wants to take E up there to visit them, because he has always liked it up there, but still, just so wrong. And honestly, why does he have to say crappy things about me, I wouldn't be as angry w/him if he left that part out. Good grief...it was an "agreed divorce" - why all the hate now? He is so two-faced it's not even funny. So I have cut all of them off of my Facebook except for my dad, but when I post, I often block him from the post(s)...so I'm sure it's just a matter of time. *eyeroll*
Another Chapter
As if there needed to be more...over the past few months, I met & have been communicating with a person we will call "S" - (because that's what his name starts with)...he began to pursue me a few months ago with some friendly texting & hopeful words about an eventual future together and it completely caught me off guard. Not something that has typically happened to me in my life. Unfortunately, he is in a similar situation to mine for the most part, but now that we are nearly in May, my situation is complete and he's still "stuck" in his (he's not married). To be completely honest, this situation/relationship (?) has been more heartache-inducing for me than the whole stupid divorce...speaks volumes huh? I'm finding that I'm pretty "head over heels" for him...crazy I know...but it's how I feel. I don't remember ever feeling so "into" someone like this or "excited" to see or talk to someone as I do with him. I really wish I didn't feel this way because then the heartache would also be less. It's been a roller coaster of emotions and on/off communication with him for months now. It's not a re-bound. There have been times when I maybe should have just said "forget this" and "walked away" but I simply can't...nor do I want to. Deep down I feel like we would be awesome together, if we can just get there. There have also been numerous obstacles along the way and so I hold on to that whole belief that anything worth having is worth the work. We made some good "progress" recently with some communication but he prefers/finds it easier (?) to have limited communication until his situation is cleared up and while I KNOW that is for the best, at the end of the day it's just hard.
In our most recent conversation, he mentioned that it is his fault for pursuing me when he cannot give himself to me 100%, recognizing that I deserve better and that he was raised to be a gentleman and in trying to be one, we have little to no communication recently with the hopes that he gets his s*** together soon. The obstacles are legit but frustrating at the same time. In order to not feel miserable, I tend to focus on all the sweet things he has said as well as some of the very personal things he has shared with me that I believe would not be shared with "just anyone"...so when I recall these memories, I feel good about us, but when I verbally share them with someone (which I've stopped doing), they tend to not sound as good and as if I'm just hanging around WAITING for him. I basically am, by my choice. He did say to me "I want to tell you to wait, but it's not fair"...so the fact that he acknowledged it is something. I really have ZERO interest in "trying to find" anyone else right now-it's such a pain/hassle (keep reading)...again, maybe that's stupid on my part, but this is where I am. In fact, just typing this out brings tears to my eyes...I am sad, hurt, lonely and often feel unworthy of him or anyone. Sometimes even thinking "does he *really* want to be with me?" I was encouraged by a friend to get on Bumble a while back, so I did and what a joke that was...I definitely don't need any help LOWERING my self-confidence and that's exactly what that did....seriously no one swipes right (likes) on me & then the few that do are old and gross or live 1 hour or more away and though they swiped right, they then say it's too far away. Seriously! Over it. I even had one loser unmatch me after I said that I have my 10yo son MOST of the time....thankful to not have that jerk in my life. I tried to get back on there today & just felt disgusted with the whole thing, the process, the energy, it's simply NOT what I want to do.
In the end, I think I get really "hung up" on injustice (that's always been hard for me) in that O has broken ALL the rules along the way and yet has ended up with everything he wants EASILY...while I have done "what I am supposed to do" and end up with nothing and feeling very sad & empty on a regular basis. I hate to even admit that I feel lonely, but I think I do. I was looking forward to my weekends alone when E is with his dad, but this next one coming up has me worried. I will be running a 5k so thank goodness that will take up some time and my Handy Man is coming over for a few hours to help get my house in order, but after that...I'm worried. And at the end of the day, I can fill my hours/days/weeks with things to do, but I still think about S and wanting to be with him. It's just so hard & I hate feeling this way.
