~being fat sucks~

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~So yeah, I've been overweight/fat for as long as I can remember. Not fun.

~I'm @ the point of complete frustration these days. I really thought getting into a routine with being @ school/work, even if only 3 days of the week-would help my never ending battle of the bulge. So far, my hypothesis has been proven COMPLETELY false. No significant changes in weight AT ALL. I am thinking that I need a complete miracle @ this point to shed this remaining 17 lbs of baby weight.

~I've been terrible @ drinking the 'required' 4 bottles of water per day. It's amazing if I get in 2 bottles.

~As far as working out, if I'm lucky I am able to run 3 days/week - which are Thurs, Fri & Sat. While I would LOVE to run 2-3 miles, there are currently 2 obstacles preventing me from doing so. (1) I have not physically worked up to that distance, although I could do it via walk/run combo and (2) E absolutely, positively, without-a-doubt, despises being in the pack-n-play which ultimately makes it nearly impossible for me to run more than .5 mile. I just cannot continue to listen to him fussing any longer than that and I start to feel terribly guilty. Of course, running only .5 mile three times per week is not very helpful in my efforts to shed 17 lbs.

~Yes, I could go to the gym, but the issue there is that E has major separation anxiety and while I have a hard enough time leaving the house Mon-Wed mornings with the babysitter that he is finally used to (but still cries sometimes), there is no way I'm leaving him with the childcare workers @ the gym. I just don't think there's as much tolerance for a screaming 1 yr old @ the gym daycare center.

~And then there's the plain and simple fact that I just cannot seem to stop eating crap. Complete & utter crap. I don't know what's wrong with me. For the longest time, I could not remember even purchasing a candy bar...now it's sort of like I can't remember the last time I DIDN'T buy a candy bar. Yep, today I had a Hershey's plain chocolate bar and it was delicious. Had one yesterday too. Chocolate is my Kryptonite lately. In contrast, I generally pack a pretty healthy lunch: yogurt, fruit cup & a turkey sandwich or a Smart Ones frozen meal. Then I get home and things spiral out of control...dinner varies between a completely unhealthy Mexican meal which includes refried beans & too many tortillas or other random junk like canned Chunky Clam Chowder soup (although it was the healthy request version). Dinner is usually followed up with either a bowl of cereal or milk & cookies.

~I was NEVER like this - with the sweets late @ night. No, I'm not pregnant! I am usually not even hungry so I'm not so sure why I'm even eating this junk.

~Oh yeah and whatever happened to that whole "breastfeeding helps you get off the baby weight (really fast)"...heck I should weigh 110 by now then. My goal was to nurse E for 6 months and now we're approaching 13 months. On a side note, the main reason I have not weaned him is because O cannot stand the sound of E crying and well, the weaning process is going to involve some crying because this child normally falls asleep with a boob in his mouth. So basically I do not have any support from O to wean and ultimately I don't want to deal with the stress of weaning E as well as arguing with O. It's just too draining.

~In O's defense (who cares, right?), the whole 'can't stand E crying' is more that it upsets O that E is unhappy. It's not that he can't stand the noise of the crying. So, it looks like the weaning may not occur until August, when O leaves for 19 wks...oh joyful lucky me, another 6 months of nursing. I really want my old boobs back. Maybe I'm the only woman on earth who wants smaller boobs, but I have a drawer full of bras that I am determined to fit back into. They are just too damn expensive to go out and buy a bunch of new ones.