I Want Wednesday...

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~I want...an under-the-counter iPod player...sort of like this one. Makes me wonder why they are so hard to find...why is no one manufacturing these?
~I want this Detroit Tigers front license plate, to cover up the empty black spot on the front of my car where it should be.
I want...this cute little bird mini block. It would go perfectly in my home office.
I want...any of the gazillion books I've added to my Amazon Wishlist over the past month of so.

I want...to go to Atlanta on Friday, May 21 for a book signing by Emily Giffin....she wrote "Something Borrowed", "Something Blue", "Love the One Your With" and has a new book coming out called "Heart of the Matter" I've only ever been to one book signing before (Patricia Cornwell in Dallas) and while it's not *that* big a deal, I really enjoyed it. I hope I can go to this one.

I want...it to be Friday. It will be a day just for me and I plan to hit the gym at 8am and spend at least 2 hours there, then I'm getting a haircut, having lunch with a friend, vegging out, maybe a swing by the used book store (haven't been there in FOREVER) and whatever other random things I may choose to do. And then I will pick up my little man at 4pm to conclude his last FULL week of daycare until mid-August.

conversations with a toddler

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Me: want to go to Target with mama?
E: Yeah! I love Target!!!

I guess we go to Target a little too often.

checking in & almost free

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~I find that the bullet-point style posts just seem to work best for me...so here's another!

~After a few interviews & a few phone calls in search of someone to watch E at home over the Summer, it turns out that the daycare WILL DO part-time on a case by case basis, so E will stay there Mon-Wed and then be home w/me on Thursdays & Fridays! I like this better for the sake of routine and his social interaction. Now if his fussiness over getting dressed in the morning would go away, we will be all set.

~I'm just about done with the last assignment of the semester...a 5-6 page paper for my Practicum class. It's mostly reflection, but with a bit of other mumbo-jumbo thrown in. Mine turned out to be 9 pages and I have NOT added any "fluff" nor can I find anything to take out. I've never had that problem before...of writing a paper which far exceeded the required number of pages. Ha! I have my last Practicum class Wed morning to turn in the paper and then I will be FREE!!

~I wonder if a goal of reading 25 books over the Summer is a bit overly-ambitious?!? That's just about how many are sitting on my nightstand and I would love to read every single one of them.

~My back pain has been hit or miss lately. I thought it had pretty much gone away after 2 weeks of rest, some anti-inflammatories & muscle relaxers, so I quit taking them and started running again...only a couple miles and then like magic, the pain is back. It's not as severe (thank goodness) and so I'm back on the meds and I have a check up on Thursday morning so we'll see what happens. I'm really wanting to sign up for some more races, but then afraid to in the event my back wigs out on me again.

~One race I'd like to do is the St. Jude's 1/2 Marathon in Memphis. It's not until December 4, 2010.

~And I still want to do a local 1/2 in Oak Ridge, TN which isn't until November 21, 2010.

~And then there is a 10K on May 29 right here in Knoxville. That's the one I'm most afraid to sign up for right now since it's right around the corner.

~I need to get back on the WW wagon badly. Monday was good so hopefully I can continue. I'm still up a few lbs since the Disney race. I really need the pressure of going to the WW meetings and weighing in there. Silly I know.

~I need to make a new banner for my blog.

~Oh yeah...tomorrow is my 3rd wedding anniversary. We are going out to dinner to celebrate the fact that we both have somehow managed to survive (you know, and not kill each other) the past 3 years...seriously.

one more day

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~one more day of Practicum left to go. Woohoo!!

~Tomorrow is my last day at the high school and I only have one student left to meet with. Oh yes, I am excited.

~I met with 3 students today, 2 of which I have been meeting with regularly for the past 3 months. I'll kind of miss them.

~It's been interesting, to say the least, working at the high school. I never realized all the drama that goes on in high school, I guess I was lucky that it either didn't exist (doubt it) when I was in high school or I just happened to steer clear of it (more likely).

~Just to give you an idea of what I've been working with this semester...

~Girl #1: a few weeks into our sessions, she announced that she might be PG (she's a sophomore). Honestly, I never thought it was really the case, but more that she held on to the possibility for the drama and attention that it brought her. At least 4-6 weeks went by w/o her finding out if she was or wasn't!! No sense of urgency at all. Her boyfriend (who is a junior but has not been in school since February for some reason) is a dirtbag, treats her poorly and they fight every other day. As bad as I want her to dump his dirtbag a$$, I can't come out and tell her to do that, but I am pretty excited that today she revealed that she was pretty close to calling it quits this past Monday after yet another ridiculous argument with him. Sounds like she's considering it more than ever. A step in the right direction I say.

~Girl #2: her boyfriend is getting a medical discharge from the AF after being gone only 4 weeks or so. We spent the majority of our sessions discussing their relationship (she's a sophomore) and prepping her for his departure. She has great potential for success in school if she didn't miss so many days of school. She's dealing with truancy right now and missed 3 days last week. She claims to me that she won't miss as much school next year...i'd be silly to believe that.

~Girl #3: we have only met 4-5 times. major family dynamics issues going on here. she likes to talk and she said meeting with me has been helpful for her, just having someone to talk to, even if we didn't have a whole lot of time together. just last week she revealed to me that she may be PG (she's a junior) after impulsively going against her long-standing belief in abstinence. she was supposed to go to a doctor and find out last week so I anticipated either a very stressful session today or one full of joy and relief...her mom canceled her doctor appointment last week for some reason and so she still does not know if she is PG or not. her mom (and by default, this student) doesn't have a lot of faith in over-the-counter tests so it's doubtful taking one would give her any relief if it came back negative. This girl has potential if she doesn't end up PG. And I kind of hate that I may never know what happens with her.

Friday I will meet with one last student...she is 19 and is at least 3 credits short of graduating. I've been meeting with her in more of a "cheerleader" role, not true counseling, but still the job of a school counselor. Sadly, I discovered last week she's a bit of a fibber, you know, telling those little white lies, like she's already finished Unit 2 of her on-line course, but in reality she hasn't finished Unit 1 yet...and she's been enrolled in this on-line course since November. She needs it to graduate. There are four weeks left. You do the math. Should be an interesting session tomorrow.

20 questions

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And now I return you to your regularly normal scheduled blogging...

1. Whose baby did you last hold?
My step-sisters daughter's son. So technically she is my step-niece, so the baby is my great-step-nephew...phew..that's a mouthful. His name is Max. He's cute. And of course I hold my own baby every day, but since he's TWO already (WTH), it's hard to refer to him as a baby anymore.

2. What is your preferred brand of dishwashing soap?
I use anything I have a coupon for, so I guess that means I have no preference besides cheap.

3. Cadbury Eggs or Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs?
If it's the Eggs, they have to be the Caramel ones, not the Creme-filled.

4. When were you last on an airplane?
December 31. Return from Dallas, TX.

5. Are you afraid of lightning?
Nope.

6. Something that happened to you in 1992:
I turned 21!!!! Funny thing is I don't remember a big drunk-fest of any kind, so either it didn't happen or it did and I drank too much which is why I don't remember. Ha! Actually, we had a small party @ my house with some friends. I did my hard-core drinking in my pre-21 days. Not so much afterwards.

7. When did you last run?
I believe it was Friday or Saturday...a whopping 2 miles. Planning another quick short run tonight after I get home from my night class. I don't typically run on Wednesdays but I'm feeling guilty that I didn't run last night.

8. Are you guilty of peeking in medicine cabinets?
No. If I look in one at all, it's because I need something.

9. What guilty pleasure do you hate to admit liking?
Starbucks.

10. Has anyone ever called you a bad influence?
Not to my face, but I suspect the mother of my first boyfriend somehow thought I was since she would turn the phone off at his house so when I called he wouldn't hear it. I'm pretty sure she was a member of the "girls don't call boys" party.

11. Pineapple or watermelon?
Fresh pineapple. Yum!

12. Have you ever seen the ocean, live and in person?
Yes. Both Atlantic and Pacific although not as frequently as I would like.

13. Tell us about your nickname(s).
Max is my most common and favorite nickname...comes from my last name (I know that would be a surprise to those of you who know my last name - hee!)

14. Do you have a ceiling fan somewhere in your home?
Yes. In the living room, master bedroom and office. E's room needs one but not a big priority since he doesn't sleep in there!!!

15. What do you look forward to most about Autumn?
The cooler weather and the colors of the leaves.

16. What would I find in the trunk of your vehicle right now?
I drink drive a Ford Escape, so there is no trunk, but E's stroller is in the back.

17. And in your kitchen sink?
Two 9x13 Pyrex dishes from baking the treats for work/class today.

18. Who do you kinda wanna smack?
Not sure.

19. Preferred sleepwear: nightgown? pajamas? undies? au naturel?
Pajama pants or shorts & tee shirt.

20. When you use a grocery cart at the store, do you return it to the proper place?
I usually leave it in a corral but rarely ever take it back into the store and that's primarily because E and I do the grocery shopping together and I don't want to leave him in the car alone for long. Also, I always try to park next to a cart corral. Funny the changes you make when you have kids.

effort

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~last week my plans to hit the gym on Thursday & Friday were thwarted by The Croup which attacked E keeping him w/a fever for 5+ days (his longest ever).

~my plan is to hit the gym this Thursday afternoon. Friday contains a conflicting activity so boo, but maybe I can do a treadmill run at home on Friday evening (since I *never* have any exciting Friday night plans<---but that's ok)

~i had planned to run tonight. didn't happen. just not feeling it. it was a semi-emotional day. i do feel worse for not just getting on the treadmill, but my less than stellar mood took over, plus add that I had to bake 2 dishes of milky way cookie bar thingees for work tomorrow, clean the kitchen, do laundry and other random miscellaneous house tidying things. meh.

~i interviewed one girl for summer child care today. i liked her. she has nanny-ed for two families previously and done various other child care duties. she is majoring in Child & Family Studies. Bad news...she will be gone for 5 weeks spread over the Summer, so that won't work. boo.

~candidate #2 interviews tomorrow.

~i placed an ad in the school newspaper since I only have (had) 2 candidates so far and really would like more to choose from. hoping for good results there.

feelings

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I feel...like i am not supposed to lean on anyone for help.

I feel...disappointed.

I feel...forced to do things I don't want to do.

I feel...sad.

I feel...unmotivated.

I feel...lonely.

I feel...cheated.

I feel...deceived.

I feel...uninspired.

I feel...unhappy.

I feel...angry.

I feel...overwhelmed.

I feel...hopeless.

*sorry for the "debbie downer" post, but this is just how it is.

seeking happiness...

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~in all the chaos that seems to be my life lately, I've been thinking long and hard about how I can make some changes that (hopefully) generate happiness.

~instead of having to find a PT job over the Summer on Thurs & Fridays to earn a little extra $ & help offset expenses - solely based on the fact that E is in FULL TIME daycare w/no option for part time- I've decided to look for a college-age gal to come watch him @ home Mon-Wed while I put in my dreaded required 20 hrs at the university. This would both cost less & make mornings easier on me. Oh and most importantly, it gives me Thursdays & Fridays to stay home with him...which is what I've been aching to do (alot) lately.

~i dropped the one academic course I was going to take over the Summer simply because it would be "free". I don't need it for my degree. Would it have been helpful? Somewhat. Can I use the time to make myself happier? Certainly! It would have been on Tuesday nights and honestly, I'm tired of hearing moaning from someone else (O) having to pick up E from daycare. Instead I will take back those 3-4 hours each week and spend them with my #1 (E of course). :)

~I've been pretty much free of back pain for the past 5-6 days now. Yay! I have not ran since Saturday but plan to hit the gym both Thursday & Friday after finishing at the high school. I'm hoping to add in some stationary bike too. I'm pretty sure I've gained 3-4 lbs since the Disney trip and have just about fallen off the WW wagon...well, maybe I'm being dragged along behind the wagon by a single rope, but that would be it. Today has been a good WW day so far. I tend to fall apart in the evenings for some reason. I'm looking forward to an endorphin boost...I can certainly use them.

~i'm also quite excited about the Yoga class in June, however if the child care arrangement above works out, that means I couldn't do Yoga on Thursdays so I'll have to see if I can still participate M-W and if not, then I'll have to drop the course. a sacrifice I'm OK with making since I'll be spending time with E.

total randomness

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~there is no better title for today's post since random is exactly what this will be.

~down to 16 days left in this semester. I really need to get crackin' on the two projects I have left.

~i got a new (to me) computer at work today. it is TONS better (so far) than the old one I had. at least it doesn't take 15-20 minutes to boot up in the mornings anyway.

~i remain quite UNmotivated in all things school or work related.

~well, maybe not entirely since I did complete my on-line employment application for the local school district today.

~didn't realize that I have to take 6 credit hours per semester in order to get financial aid...so if I don't get a job come August, that poses a problem...or, well I'll need to take another class in the Fall just for kicks. Ugh!

~i ran a 5K on Saturday. I had not run for about 13 days (per doc's orders) and holy moly, I am still sore today...I'm talking post-1/2-marathon sore!! Ouch! But on a positive note, I was free of back pain and still feel good today. Hopefully once my meds are gone I'm still pain-free.

~I didn't get a new PR (like I had hoped for) and I disliked the course, or at least the last mile of the course -which was UPHILL and twisty...very poor finish line setup and honestly a poorly run race from all aspects. Even picking up my packet on Thursday night (at a different location) was ridiculous. I'm just glad I didn't have to pick it up on Saturday - that would have been awful.

~my iPod Touch failed me during the race and stopped tracking my run, so I have no time or pace data. and my Nike-Mini remains unhappy as well. Boo!

~I'm quite looking forward to having the ENTIRE Summer free from school commitments and being able to read books for fun once again. hoping to read at least 1 per week, a lofty goal, but one I hope to reach.

~the only class I'm taking over the Summer is Yoga!!! I'm so excited! Since my classes are free @ the university and I've wanted to "learn" Yoga for a while, I figure this is the best way to do it. Class will be Monday through Thursday mornings 8-9am for the month of June. The real challenge will be arriving on time.

Friday 5 - Multimedia

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Brought to you by Friday5...

1. What Rolling Stones song best summarizes the week you just had?
"You can't always get what you want" -->a perfect fit indeed, although probably for more than just last week...more like last couple years. Ha!

2. What movie reminds you most of your childhood?
The Breakfast Club reminds me of my teenage years and it's the first movie that came to mind...so maybe not necessarily "childhood", but definitely during my younger years.

3. What part of the newspaper do you never (or almost never) read?
Obituaries. Auto Section. Oh heck, I hardly look at the newspaper at all...only the Sunday ads and coupons.

4. What television show is a lot better than you thought it would be?
I have no idea. I don't watch much TV as it is and of the shows I've watched, I've never thought any of them would be "bad".

5. What station is the radio nearest you set on at this moment?
There is NO radio near me, but my car radio is on the local Country station.

the one where i spill my guts

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~so yeah, i've been MIA from the blog for a bit. if you've been around my neck of the woods for awhile, you know this means that I've not been feeling well and so I withdraw. yep, that's my MO.

~well, in a nutshell, my world sort of fell apart last week. it started bright and early on Monday morning when I was "called out" at work for acting different than I had last semester...and apparently different in a bad way, like non-communicative i.e. withdrawn.

~here I had thought I was doing such a good job at covering up all my "issues" and plugging along like a brave little soldier...I was informed that my "mask" is cracking and the cracks are getting bigger. oh great!

~so i leave the office on Monday (in tears...lots and lots of tears) i was given the day off out of sympathy and I run into my friend on the way out. we talked briefly.

~i return to school/work on Tuesday and go for my individual supervision w/my professor @9am and she asks "how's your week going?" to which I reply "ok" (such the liar i am huh?)...and she follows with "well, friend's name told me about yesterday and she's really worried about you"....she went on to say that this friend later emailed her to retract her conversation and ask prof not to say anything to me for fear of me getting mad...granted, at first I was mad, but not at my friend, I was mad because i didn't want to talk about everything AGAIN...and that's exactly what happened. Yay for crying for 1 hour straight, 2 days in a row. I told you it was a GREAT week!

~so i had my meltdown/breakdown/fell apart ....whatever you choose to call it. i hate admitting that I'm not as strong as I like to think/thought i am.

~are things better this week? not really, but i'm working on improving my "fake it 'til you make it" skills...no one wants to hear about another person's problems or issues...well, unless you are paying them...and so I have to plug along as if everything in my world is absolutely wonderful. but it is not. and so that is hard. very hard.

~i will admit that talking to my prof was amazingly therapeutic even though at that time I was terribly upset and uncomfortable, when I think of it now, it feels warm & fuzzy. too bad i can't go to her on a regular basis...you know, the whole dual relationship thing...damn.

~we met again yesterday for my supervision and well, that was slightly awkward. then we had class today and I was the first one in the room and my prof was the second person in the room. again slightly awkward. yet oddly enough I have this strong desire to call her today and ask if I can meet with her. but i won't. i think.

~clearly I'm a mess and just trying to hold myself together. I am struggling to focus today...big time.

~heck, i can't even get some help from my endorphins since I am prohibited from running for two weeks so that my back can recover. that was just MORE bad news I received last week.

~to top it off, my face looks like a pizza...wth? I am NOT 15 years old anymore and it's not TOTM..thank.you.very.much STRESS!!! Ack!

~so i am counting down this semester with more intensity than ever before. i'm beyond wanting to be done, it's more like NEEDING to be done. three more weeks. 21 more days. so so ready to be done.