Bookish and Not So Bookish Thoughts

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I'm a few days late, but here is my Bookish & Not-So-Bookish post!

1. August and September have raked me through the coals. I haven’t felt so negative about life in a long time. When I really get going on my pity party, I can truly say I have nothing good going on or to look forward to. I know that’s not entirely true, but when you feel unloved/unwanted, your job is less than good right now, you can’t run because your legs are SO messed up and feeling worse instead of better and every day is pretty much the same boring, work, home, dinner, clean, repeat. I’m just tired of not having some “happy” in my life.

2. So I think I mentioned the past couple months have definitely not been the greatest in my life...this week was no exception as I nearly broke down on the treadmill on Wednesday night. My legs do not seem to be getting better and I was only able to run 2 miles, with pain the entire time. I have a 15k race in 2 weeks and I'm pretty sure I'll be picking up the shirt and not running. The most frustrating part of all of this is that even though I had pain before, I could run and the pain came afterwards...now I have pain in my left leg, while running which ultimately prevents me from running of course. 

3. I really want to go see Chris Young in concert on Nov 29. The problem...I have no one to go with of course...was hoping to go with Mr. Not-So-Wonderful but that’s certainly not happening now. 

4. Started reading this. I really need to give less fucks...about a lot of stuff (and people)...so this is the perfect book for me. I just need the quiet time to sit and soak it all in.

5. Start the countdown for FL...cannot wait to get away. 9 more days! Woot!

6. The TV shows are off the chain this Fall...I may have to commit to more than my usual 2-3 shows. I'm already on board with This is Us and The Voice...but whoa - Manifest....amazing...and I also enjoyed A Million Little Things...nothing like seeing a bunch of 40ish yo men "in touch" with their feelings...shit, that never happens so it's nice to see it on TV...maybe some of the single manbabies out there will learn a thing or two. No, I'm not bitter or anything LOL.

wishful thinking

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a short list of things i'm wishing for - while also NOT wanting to wish for, because i'm so tired of being let down...who knew being hopeful was such a detriment to one's happiness...this is where I think it pays off to be either a realist or a pessimist...why expect things to go well...because when you have expectations, things end up falling apart and going horribly...at least for me.

so from now on, i expect & hope for nothing and that way if/when things work out, i'll be pleasantly surprised.

And I know I said I am taking a guy's approach to dating, and that is still my plan, but I am also finding that most (almost all) guys on the stupid dating apps are after only one thing...and that's not exactly the approach I want to take. Ugh!

So my wishes (not expectations) are:

-go on a date to Dollywood...I guess over the years I forgot how much MORE fun an amusement park is when you're there with someone you like/love...my ex didn't do rollercoasters and therefore never went to Dollywood with me. We did go to Cedar Point a few years ago, but he doesn't enjoy the rides & is impatient in lines, so let's just say it wasn't as fun as it could have been.

-having someone special in my life come Christmas - for many reasons, but one is that I'd really like to go to Biltmore Estate to see their Christmas lights. I've lived 1 hour away from Biltmore for 12 years and I've never been. They are supposed to be amazing.

-having someone to kiss on New Year's Eve.

-i'd really like to feel wanted/needed/valued by someone...i felt wanted by Mr. Not-So-Wonderful but maybe I'm an idiot & he had me fooled all along, but it sure felt good to get his "how was your day?" texts every day and chat on the phone every night. I miss that. 

-take a road trip to Nashville to check out the many wonderful restaurants as well as listen to live country music in as many of the bars as possible. Good times!

Bookish & Not So Bookish Thoughts

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Look at me....trying to blog twice in the same month....miracles do happen. I anticipate this being a "book-heavy" post and therefore it will also be a Bookish & Not-So-Bookish post.

1. I've never been successful with audio books - when they are novels, but low and behold, I am more successful (with paying attention) when they are informational/self help type books. A friend recommended Creating Magic by Lee Cockerell (former Disney CEO) recently - a book on leadership, and having just moved into a Supervisor role at work, I figure there is a lot I can learn from the book. I'm about 1/2 way through it and not only do I like it, but he's definitely made some great points.

2. On a not so bright note...I find that I still have some low moments and maybe a tear or two here and there over Mr. (Not-So) Wonderful. I guess what bothers me most, well, there are 2 things actually...the suddenness of it -everything was fine, and I mean totally fine - great conversations the week everything fell apart, even what you would consider "deeper" conversation...,like who does that if they are planning to break up...which is why I still don't "buy" his reason(s)...yes reasonS because he kept changing them during our phone call...which only tells me he really wasn't sure with what he was doing. He even said he wasn't planning on it when he called...what? So that's the 2nd part that bothers me...never really knowing what was/is going on with him. Pretty sure I've since pissed him off by my reaction to his "out-of-the-blue-dumping" me so I doubt I'll ever hear from him again. What is most frustrating is that I liked him so much that I'm having a hard time remembering HE  ROYALLY EFFED up and dumped me ON MY BIRTHDAY WEEKEND after saying we were going out to celebrate my birthday that weekend. This was so unexpected too as I really believed he was a good (great) person...now I'm not sure which is the real him...the one I knew for 6 weeks or the one I talked/texted with the last 2 days...who was mean and cold. I really need to just forget him - too bad that seems to be next to impossible for me right now...so I at least need someone to come along and distract me from him. I don't want to think about him anymore...it's too painful. Going forward, I'm taking a "man's approach" to dating for now...no emotional investment...no hopes that it'll work out & overall, just not caring...just looking at it as fun and a free dinner or drinks....totally not the real me...but it's the only way I know how to protect my heart. 

3. Back to reading...easier topic...same complaint though - so much to read, so little time...I'm reading The Blinds, which was a BOTM book ages ago. I started taking it to the pool over the summer since I can't see my iPad at the pool. I'm only about 30% done with that one. I have been reading The Invisible Bridge for what seems like eons as well...probably started it in January...it's too long but I'm so far in, I can't give up and just need to finish it. I think it's around 700 pgs....I'm almost to 500 I think. 

4. I recently purchased Daring Greatly & Rising Strong by Brene Brown. I have been "on the fence" with her for a few years after reading The Gifts of Imperfection and not thinking it was "all that" but I'm gonna give her a try again. I've also pre-ordered her new book that comes out in October calling "Dare to Lead"...which should be really good, again for my new "leadership" role at work. Yay!

 

5. Confirmed travel to FL for Fall Break and couldn't be happier. Woohoo! I am so glad it worked out and I cannot wait to get away (from real life). Haven't been to the beach all year so it's a much needed getaway.

6. Fitting with the rest of my life lately...my MUD "hope" bracelet broke last night...kinda symbolic...no hope/loss of hope....etc...LOL...at least I can laugh about it a bit. On the brighter side, I ordered a replacement already.

7. I'm back in physical therapy for my hamstring(s)/legs...after my MRI, my orthopedic doc sent me to a different PT guy who seems to be much more advanced than where I was going. This guy specializes in working with athletes so I'm super stoked about that. Turns out that the root problem is in my pelvic bones and the fact that they move and they shouldn't!!! Ack!! As a result, it appears one leg is slightly longer but only due to the bone position. We are working on getting the bones back in place (!!!) and then will work on strengthening the legs & core which will eventually help offload some of the work from the hamstrings. I have so many exercises to do now, it's like having a second job.

8. I've never been a big TV watcher, but I did watch the Jack Ryan series on Amazon Prime...it was pretty good and hopefully they'll do another season. I then started watching Goliath with Billy Bob Thornton...and it's ok. Then recently I caved and upgraded my HULU to include the local live channels...definitely enjoying that right now and it's still not as expensive as cable.

9. Lastly, after much thought & debate, I added my extra bedroom to AirBNB...and in less than 24 hours, I had 3 nights reserved and now have 4. Pretty excited about making some extra money and I really hope it takes off and more reservations come in. One lady who booked one night so far says she will likely book quite a few more as she will be coming out to work on the hurricane damages once it's completely passed and she can travel to that area.

Update

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It seems all my posts can be called "update" now because I only make it over here about once every 4-5 months lately.

This is sort of a "Bookish and Not So Bookish Thoughts" post as well...I really enjoyed the weekly posts but along with a lot of life, I fell off the bandwagon on this one quite a while ago.

1) As always, there are so many books I want to read or am currently reading...I am making my way through Emotional Intelligence 2.0. I took the 1st test and scored 87% overall. I'm riding the wave of "self-help" books so I have also purchased Brene Brown's "Daring Greatly" and "Rising Strong"...I had huge plans to get tons of reading done this weekend, but when I got home from my half marathon Saturday afternoon, I was exhausted and spent some quality time with the couch instead. 

2) I recently got a promotion at work, which is a good thing, but it's made the work days pretty damn crazy. It's a combination of a few other things going on at work as well....it won't always be so crazy but for now, it's "off the chain" and a bit more harried than I would like it. I look forward to the end of each workday more now than ever. 

3) To add to the shitstorm that is my life, the wonderful guy I met on July 4th and spent 6 weeks with, decided to end things 2 days after my birthday BY TELEPHONE after saying he wanted to take me out to celebrate on the weekend for my birthday and having many other sweet conversations during the week prior. Yeah - talk about being blindsided. We had no issues/problems/fights etc - we were quite well matched IMO and had a lot of fun together. I remain confused, angry and sad about the whole thing still today, 2 weeks later, not to mention heartbroken, but I'm trying really hard to remember WHAT A SHIT MOVE he made by blowing me off the entire weekend AND while it was my birthday as well. That's pretty damn crappy. The person who dumped me was so different from the person I knew for 6 weeks prior, so I'm not sure what is going on there, but I guess it's his problem. The worst part, I really liked him. And I miss him. :(

4) Back to running, yesterday I ran my 11th half marathon...and 1st since April 2017. I was training like a crazy woman this year until late June when my legs really started to give me problems. First it was the right hamstring, an issue from 3 years ago that resurfaced. Then the left left started to give me problems, more along the outer edge - hip, IT band area, not sure really. I finally had an MRI done and both hamstrings have small tears and frays, which are typical for a runner due to overuse. Well, great....that totally sucks, because the amount of pain from each is ridiculous. I had 17 days of rest prior to my half marathon and almost immediately the left leg started to hurt when I started running. There was also a 5k the night before, so I ran that on Friday night and then the 1/2 on Saturday. I even struggled through the 5k, which makes me furious as I ran my all time best 5k on May 5th this year coming in under 30 minutes...a goal I am super proud of, but now frustrated as I feel like I've gone backwards. Ugh!

5) Some positive news...working on a beach trip to FL for Fall Break. I sure hope it works out. I can certainly use the getaway. Never saw the beach this summer, primarily due to becoming a single mom, buying a house and moving. 

6) Being alone by choice is wonderful. Being alone without choice sucks. I can only distract myself so much. My heart hurts and I hate it. I can honestly say (1) this has never happened to me and (2) I've never felt like this before.