Bookish and Not So Bookish Thoughts

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I'm a few days late, but here is my Bookish & Not-So-Bookish post!

1. August and September have raked me through the coals. I haven’t felt so negative about life in a long time. When I really get going on my pity party, I can truly say I have nothing good going on or to look forward to. I know that’s not entirely true, but when you feel unloved/unwanted, your job is less than good right now, you can’t run because your legs are SO messed up and feeling worse instead of better and every day is pretty much the same boring, work, home, dinner, clean, repeat. I’m just tired of not having some “happy” in my life.

2. So I think I mentioned the past couple months have definitely not been the greatest in my life...this week was no exception as I nearly broke down on the treadmill on Wednesday night. My legs do not seem to be getting better and I was only able to run 2 miles, with pain the entire time. I have a 15k race in 2 weeks and I'm pretty sure I'll be picking up the shirt and not running. The most frustrating part of all of this is that even though I had pain before, I could run and the pain came afterwards...now I have pain in my left leg, while running which ultimately prevents me from running of course. 

3. I really want to go see Chris Young in concert on Nov 29. The problem...I have no one to go with of course...was hoping to go with Mr. Not-So-Wonderful but that’s certainly not happening now. 

4. Started reading this. I really need to give less fucks...about a lot of stuff (and people)...so this is the perfect book for me. I just need the quiet time to sit and soak it all in.

5. Start the countdown for FL...cannot wait to get away. 9 more days! Woot!

6. The TV shows are off the chain this Fall...I may have to commit to more than my usual 2-3 shows. I'm already on board with This is Us and The Voice...but whoa - Manifest....amazing...and I also enjoyed A Million Little Things...nothing like seeing a bunch of 40ish yo men "in touch" with their feelings...shit, that never happens so it's nice to see it on TV...maybe some of the single manbabies out there will learn a thing or two. No, I'm not bitter or anything LOL.

wishful thinking

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a short list of things i'm wishing for - while also NOT wanting to wish for, because i'm so tired of being let down...who knew being hopeful was such a detriment to one's happiness...this is where I think it pays off to be either a realist or a pessimist...why expect things to go well...because when you have expectations, things end up falling apart and going horribly...at least for me.

so from now on, i expect & hope for nothing and that way if/when things work out, i'll be pleasantly surprised.

And I know I said I am taking a guy's approach to dating, and that is still my plan, but I am also finding that most (almost all) guys on the stupid dating apps are after only one thing...and that's not exactly the approach I want to take. Ugh!

So my wishes (not expectations) are:

-go on a date to Dollywood...I guess over the years I forgot how much MORE fun an amusement park is when you're there with someone you like/love...my ex didn't do rollercoasters and therefore never went to Dollywood with me. We did go to Cedar Point a few years ago, but he doesn't enjoy the rides & is impatient in lines, so let's just say it wasn't as fun as it could have been.

-having someone special in my life come Christmas - for many reasons, but one is that I'd really like to go to Biltmore Estate to see their Christmas lights. I've lived 1 hour away from Biltmore for 12 years and I've never been. They are supposed to be amazing.

-having someone to kiss on New Year's Eve.

-i'd really like to feel wanted/needed/valued by someone...i felt wanted by Mr. Not-So-Wonderful but maybe I'm an idiot & he had me fooled all along, but it sure felt good to get his "how was your day?" texts every day and chat on the phone every night. I miss that. 

-take a road trip to Nashville to check out the many wonderful restaurants as well as listen to live country music in as many of the bars as possible. Good times!

Bookish & Not So Bookish Thoughts

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Look at me....trying to blog twice in the same month....miracles do happen. I anticipate this being a "book-heavy" post and therefore it will also be a Bookish & Not-So-Bookish post.

1. I've never been successful with audio books - when they are novels, but low and behold, I am more successful (with paying attention) when they are informational/self help type books. A friend recommended Creating Magic by Lee Cockerell (former Disney CEO) recently - a book on leadership, and having just moved into a Supervisor role at work, I figure there is a lot I can learn from the book. I'm about 1/2 way through it and not only do I like it, but he's definitely made some great points.

2. On a not so bright note...I find that I still have some low moments and maybe a tear or two here and there over Mr. (Not-So) Wonderful. I guess what bothers me most, well, there are 2 things actually...the suddenness of it -everything was fine, and I mean totally fine - great conversations the week everything fell apart, even what you would consider "deeper" conversation...,like who does that if they are planning to break up...which is why I still don't "buy" his reason(s)...yes reasonS because he kept changing them during our phone call...which only tells me he really wasn't sure with what he was doing. He even said he wasn't planning on it when he called...what? So that's the 2nd part that bothers me...never really knowing what was/is going on with him. Pretty sure I've since pissed him off by my reaction to his "out-of-the-blue-dumping" me so I doubt I'll ever hear from him again. What is most frustrating is that I liked him so much that I'm having a hard time remembering HE  ROYALLY EFFED up and dumped me ON MY BIRTHDAY WEEKEND after saying we were going out to celebrate my birthday that weekend. This was so unexpected too as I really believed he was a good (great) person...now I'm not sure which is the real him...the one I knew for 6 weeks or the one I talked/texted with the last 2 days...who was mean and cold. I really need to just forget him - too bad that seems to be next to impossible for me right now...so I at least need someone to come along and distract me from him. I don't want to think about him anymore...it's too painful. Going forward, I'm taking a "man's approach" to dating for now...no emotional investment...no hopes that it'll work out & overall, just not caring...just looking at it as fun and a free dinner or drinks....totally not the real me...but it's the only way I know how to protect my heart. 

3. Back to reading...easier topic...same complaint though - so much to read, so little time...I'm reading The Blinds, which was a BOTM book ages ago. I started taking it to the pool over the summer since I can't see my iPad at the pool. I'm only about 30% done with that one. I have been reading The Invisible Bridge for what seems like eons as well...probably started it in January...it's too long but I'm so far in, I can't give up and just need to finish it. I think it's around 700 pgs....I'm almost to 500 I think. 

4. I recently purchased Daring Greatly & Rising Strong by Brene Brown. I have been "on the fence" with her for a few years after reading The Gifts of Imperfection and not thinking it was "all that" but I'm gonna give her a try again. I've also pre-ordered her new book that comes out in October calling "Dare to Lead"...which should be really good, again for my new "leadership" role at work. Yay!

 

5. Confirmed travel to FL for Fall Break and couldn't be happier. Woohoo! I am so glad it worked out and I cannot wait to get away (from real life). Haven't been to the beach all year so it's a much needed getaway.

6. Fitting with the rest of my life lately...my MUD "hope" bracelet broke last night...kinda symbolic...no hope/loss of hope....etc...LOL...at least I can laugh about it a bit. On the brighter side, I ordered a replacement already.

7. I'm back in physical therapy for my hamstring(s)/legs...after my MRI, my orthopedic doc sent me to a different PT guy who seems to be much more advanced than where I was going. This guy specializes in working with athletes so I'm super stoked about that. Turns out that the root problem is in my pelvic bones and the fact that they move and they shouldn't!!! Ack!! As a result, it appears one leg is slightly longer but only due to the bone position. We are working on getting the bones back in place (!!!) and then will work on strengthening the legs & core which will eventually help offload some of the work from the hamstrings. I have so many exercises to do now, it's like having a second job.

8. I've never been a big TV watcher, but I did watch the Jack Ryan series on Amazon Prime...it was pretty good and hopefully they'll do another season. I then started watching Goliath with Billy Bob Thornton...and it's ok. Then recently I caved and upgraded my HULU to include the local live channels...definitely enjoying that right now and it's still not as expensive as cable.

9. Lastly, after much thought & debate, I added my extra bedroom to AirBNB...and in less than 24 hours, I had 3 nights reserved and now have 4. Pretty excited about making some extra money and I really hope it takes off and more reservations come in. One lady who booked one night so far says she will likely book quite a few more as she will be coming out to work on the hurricane damages once it's completely passed and she can travel to that area.

Update

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It seems all my posts can be called "update" now because I only make it over here about once every 4-5 months lately.

This is sort of a "Bookish and Not So Bookish Thoughts" post as well...I really enjoyed the weekly posts but along with a lot of life, I fell off the bandwagon on this one quite a while ago.

1) As always, there are so many books I want to read or am currently reading...I am making my way through Emotional Intelligence 2.0. I took the 1st test and scored 87% overall. I'm riding the wave of "self-help" books so I have also purchased Brene Brown's "Daring Greatly" and "Rising Strong"...I had huge plans to get tons of reading done this weekend, but when I got home from my half marathon Saturday afternoon, I was exhausted and spent some quality time with the couch instead. 

2) I recently got a promotion at work, which is a good thing, but it's made the work days pretty damn crazy. It's a combination of a few other things going on at work as well....it won't always be so crazy but for now, it's "off the chain" and a bit more harried than I would like it. I look forward to the end of each workday more now than ever. 

3) To add to the shitstorm that is my life, the wonderful guy I met on July 4th and spent 6 weeks with, decided to end things 2 days after my birthday BY TELEPHONE after saying he wanted to take me out to celebrate on the weekend for my birthday and having many other sweet conversations during the week prior. Yeah - talk about being blindsided. We had no issues/problems/fights etc - we were quite well matched IMO and had a lot of fun together. I remain confused, angry and sad about the whole thing still today, 2 weeks later, not to mention heartbroken, but I'm trying really hard to remember WHAT A SHIT MOVE he made by blowing me off the entire weekend AND while it was my birthday as well. That's pretty damn crappy. The person who dumped me was so different from the person I knew for 6 weeks prior, so I'm not sure what is going on there, but I guess it's his problem. The worst part, I really liked him. And I miss him. :(

4) Back to running, yesterday I ran my 11th half marathon...and 1st since April 2017. I was training like a crazy woman this year until late June when my legs really started to give me problems. First it was the right hamstring, an issue from 3 years ago that resurfaced. Then the left left started to give me problems, more along the outer edge - hip, IT band area, not sure really. I finally had an MRI done and both hamstrings have small tears and frays, which are typical for a runner due to overuse. Well, great....that totally sucks, because the amount of pain from each is ridiculous. I had 17 days of rest prior to my half marathon and almost immediately the left leg started to hurt when I started running. There was also a 5k the night before, so I ran that on Friday night and then the 1/2 on Saturday. I even struggled through the 5k, which makes me furious as I ran my all time best 5k on May 5th this year coming in under 30 minutes...a goal I am super proud of, but now frustrated as I feel like I've gone backwards. Ugh!

5) Some positive news...working on a beach trip to FL for Fall Break. I sure hope it works out. I can certainly use the getaway. Never saw the beach this summer, primarily due to becoming a single mom, buying a house and moving. 

6) Being alone by choice is wonderful. Being alone without choice sucks. I can only distract myself so much. My heart hurts and I hate it. I can honestly say (1) this has never happened to me and (2) I've never felt like this before. 

Dating in my 40s

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While I'm looking forward to eventually meeting someone, there have been MANY days when I'm completely disappointed, disgusted or just plain hopeless that it will ever happen...and I get that it's not been that long but the things I have experienced already are just ridiculous.

*the guy who flirts & pursues me but turns out to be living with someone, someone he said he was working on leaving...now 9 months later, guess what....he's still living there!!!

*the bazillion boneheads on Bumble who (1) don't respond AFTER they have "swiped right" thereby expressing interest and/or all the others who can't bother to put up a decent picture or even write a couple lines about themself, you know, a profile. *sigh*

*then there's the guy who CLEARLY makes eye contact w/me at a recent sporting event, multiple times, let me add...then tells a mutual friend he is only "casually dating"....yet I discover he has been dating someone for 1 year. Seriously, DO NOT EVEN LOOK AT ME IF YOU ARE NOT 100% AVAILABLE.

*lastly there is the guy that I went to dinner with last week but there was no "spark" for me....apparently for him there was a shit ton of fireworks *of course* and so I finally told him I didn't want to pursue anything with him and he then suggested being friends w/benefits....OMG...this is what is out there?!?! Dare I mention that I am 98% sure I saw his truck in my neighborhood early this morning while I was out running? Oh crap!

*Guys are jerks and right now I hate them all. 

Update - And longest blog post ever!

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Consider yourself warned as this post is selfishly for me to get things off my chest...I've talked to friends, family & even a counselor and am now at a point where none of that seems to help me feel better and so "getting it down on paper" is my next option. I don't want to wear out my friends any more than I already have.

This will be long. Read if you want. Don't read if you don't want to.  I'm good either way.

So I guess to start, my lack of blogging is due to the fact that I've had significant life changes beginning last Fall and (sorta) "ending" last month - though not completely ending. Here's an easy timeline that lays everything out and if I ever want to reference it, at least it will be here for me.

Sep 2017 - discovered MANY pieces of proof of O cheating.

Nov 2017 - told O I wanted to divorce and reasons why (above & then some). We later decide to get through holidays first and talk about filing in Jan 2018.

Later Nov 2017 - O says he's going to job site in KY on Sunday nights to get ready for week, but turns out he's shacking up at his 27yo girlfriend's apartment. Not only did he lie to me about this, but also to our 10yo son. 

Dec 17, 2017 - I obtained pictures of his truck outside her apt and filed for divorce on Dec 20. Felt happy & relieved as I knew I could move forward with filing with NO guilt.

Dec 2017 - he continues to stay with gf, but now also through the week while E and I remain in the house. I'm glad he was not around, but also disgusted & disappointed with the pathetic example he set and continues to set for E. He is so ridiculously selfish.

Late Jan 2018 - sold the house.

Feb 2018 - longest month in the history of ever. Counting down the 90 day waiting period for my divorce to be final. Miserable most of this month awaiting "closure". Through all of this, I am thankful that I was no longer "in love" with him and therefore had NO heartache over all this...a lot of anger...but no heartache.

March 2, 2018 - E and I moved in with a friend/former neighbor. 

March 2, 2018 - "discovered" a house for sale by owner on same street of our 1st house and 5 houses down from friend/former neighbor...priced a bit high, but I decide to pursue it.

March 4, 2018 - look at the house down the street, LOVED it & put in an offer. After some back/forth and another $5k, they accept my offer. Market is horrible here for small houses, in that they go quickly & there is a lot of competition for them, so I'm relieved to have found something in a good area and where E is familiar and will not have to change schools. Now commence the stress of making a house payment larger than what I had hoped for. Ugh!

March 8, 2018 - O ended up buying a condo in a town 30 minutes away.  His g/f moves in with him which is COMPLETELY against the Parenting Plan.  I actually didn't discover this until March 18 (see below).

March  9, 2018 - closed on house.  Oddly this caused me many tears, though I was not at all attached to the house. We lived there only 10 months....which was infuriating (and embarrassing at the closing IMO) - having to move again.

March 18, 2018 - Ethan spends the day with O since he missed the weekend prior due to us being in FL. Ethan returns home at the end of the day to tell me that O's g/f "coincidentally" showed up at the go kart track they went to....in a town where there are 30+ go kart tracks. Furious doesn't begin to explain my feelings. I can't even say anything to O about it because he's such an asshole that he tells E that he is a "snitch"...what a great dad, huh? I don't do well holding on to anger and it was nearly killing me not being able to unleash some really foul language on O. I even told O prior to the divorce being final that I would NOT tolerate this & would report him for contempt of court and in true O-fashion, he ignores it as he thinks he is above the law and does as he pleases. 

March 19, 2018 - contacted my lawyer about O breaking the parenting plan. The plan states that NO romantic partners are to be introduced to E until 6 months after divorce is final & no overnight guests of the opposite sex either. That 6 month date is September 21, 2018. O even told E that the g/f would be staying with him and will be there on weekends when E is with him. My blood was boiling. Lawyer never returns my call.

March 20, 2018 - divorce is final. I could not be happier. Glad to be FREE. Never realized how much O "kept me from". Looking forward to a happier future.

Late March 2018 - drama about O and the g/f continue & I contact lawyer again. Finally have a date/time for discussion about filing Contempt of Court against him. Turns out it's a complete waste of time & energy to even have that 6 month clause in the parenting plan because it would cost me $$$ to take him to court and then by the time we'd get into court, the 6 month window will have passed and it's a moot point. There are also potential repercussions to think about, financial & emotional (for E). Additionally, the damage is already done. E has met her etc. They are doing the whole "disney dad" thing, buying everything that Ethan asks for and taking him to places like Main Event, Jump Jam, Go Karts etc. We did these things while married, but not every weekend. Can you say "manipulation"? Turns out the divorce drama is SO MUCH MORE AFTER the divorce is final vs. as when it was going on. What's the point then in even having this in divorce paperwork?!? It's pretty standard...but pointless. 

April 2018 - this is the month of drama....NONE caused by me, I swear. O decides he wants to hold onto my step sister and her family for his own. Honestly, I'm not that close with them, but I also have boundaries and feel he is way out of line. I am not seeking to stay in touch with ANY of his family. In fact, I even honored his wishes of NOT telling his mother  for months that we were divorcing because he didn't want to upset her until the last minute I guess. He has gone so far as to Facebook with these family members and say unkind things about me. THEN it turns out that my (evil?) step sister replies and says how she never felt like I thought they were my equals, as in, I thought less of them etc. She also told him they do not believe that he cheated and the things that I told her he did. Wow - seriously! To add to this, just over a year ago, my dad moved up to VA and lives next door to her. Now, while he is my stepdad, he did raise me, but I'm pretty close to cutting him off at this point because he says he is going to be neutral (for now). Well, I won't be going up there to see him EVER so what's the point in being neutral. O wants to take E up there to visit them, because he has always liked it up there, but still, just so wrong. And honestly, why does he have to say crappy things about me, I wouldn't be as angry w/him if he left that part out. Good grief...it was an "agreed divorce" - why all the hate now? He is so two-faced it's not even funny. So I have cut all of them off of my Facebook except for my dad, but when I post, I often block him from the post(s)...so I'm sure it's just a matter of time. *eyeroll*

Another Chapter
As if there needed to be more...over the past few months, I met & have been  communicating with a person we will call "S" - (because that's what his name starts with)...he began to pursue me a few months ago with some friendly texting & hopeful words about an eventual future together and it completely caught me off guard. Not something that has typically happened to me in my life. Unfortunately, he is in a similar situation to mine for the most part, but now that we are nearly in May, my situation is complete and he's still "stuck" in his (he's not married). To be completely honest, this situation/relationship (?) has been more heartache-inducing for me than the whole stupid divorce...speaks volumes huh?  I'm finding that I'm pretty "head over heels" for him...crazy I know...but it's how I feel. I don't remember ever feeling so "into" someone like this or "excited" to see or talk to someone as I do with him. I really wish I didn't feel this way because then the heartache would also be less. It's been a roller coaster of emotions and on/off communication with him for months now.  It's not a re-bound. There have been times when I maybe should have just said "forget this" and "walked away" but I simply can't...nor do I want to. Deep down I feel like we would be awesome together, if we can just get there. There have also been numerous obstacles along the way and so I hold on to that whole belief that anything worth having is worth the work.  We made some good "progress" recently with some communication but he prefers/finds it easier (?) to have limited communication until his situation is cleared up and while I KNOW that is for the best, at the end of the day it's just hard. 

In our most recent conversation, he mentioned that it is his fault for pursuing me when he cannot give himself to me 100%, recognizing that I deserve better and that he was raised to be a gentleman and in trying to be one, we have little to no communication recently with the hopes that he gets his s*** together soon. The obstacles are legit but frustrating at the same time. In order to not feel miserable, I tend to focus on all the sweet things he has said as well as some of the very personal things he has shared with me that I believe would not be shared with "just anyone"...so when I recall these memories, I feel good about us, but when I verbally share them with someone (which I've stopped doing), they tend to not sound as good and as if I'm just hanging around WAITING for him. I basically am, by my choice. He did say to me "I want to tell you to wait, but it's not fair"...so the fact that he acknowledged it is something. I really have ZERO interest in "trying to find" anyone else right now-it's such a pain/hassle (keep reading)...again, maybe that's stupid on my part, but this is where I am. In fact, just typing this out brings tears to my eyes...I am sad, hurt, lonely and often feel unworthy of him or anyone. Sometimes even thinking "does he *really* want to be with me?" I was encouraged by a friend to get on Bumble a while back, so I did and what a joke that was...I definitely don't need any help LOWERING my self-confidence and that's exactly what that did....seriously no one swipes right (likes) on me & then the few that do are old and gross or live 1 hour or more away and though they swiped right, they then say it's too far away. Seriously! Over it. I even had one loser unmatch me after I said that I have my 10yo son MOST of the time....thankful to not have that jerk in my life. I tried to get back on there today & just felt disgusted with the whole thing, the process, the energy, it's simply NOT what I want to do.

In the end, I think I get really "hung up" on injustice (that's always been hard for me) in that O has broken ALL the rules along the way and yet has ended up with everything he wants EASILY...while I have done "what I am supposed to do" and end up with nothing and feeling very sad & empty on a regular basis. I hate to even admit that I feel lonely, but I think I do. I was looking forward to my weekends alone when E is with his dad, but this next one coming up has me worried. I will be running a 5k so thank goodness that will take up some time and my Handy Man is coming over for a few hours to help get my house in order, but after that...I'm worried.  And at the end of the day, I can fill my hours/days/weeks with things to do, but I still think about S and wanting to be with him. It's just so hard & I hate feeling this way. 

Catching up...

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Hello!

I've been a bit MIA lately...for a variety of reasons and while I have caught myself with a bit of "down time" - i thought it was a great opportunity to blog.

Ethan, my mom and I did enjoy a fall break trip, though the destination changed and we shortened it by one day. Because of the storm that was coming into Panama City Beach, we ended up going to Savannah, GA. We had only a little bit of rain there and it didn't hinder our plans, so all was good. We toured the city "up and down" it seems. We love the trolley tour they offer throughout the day and learned A LOT about the city. Ethan requested a Ghost Tour so we did that one evening and while fun, it was less than "stellar" as we didn't see ANYTHING ghost-like...no orbs, nothing. Bummer!

We did head out to Tybee Island one day to check it out and since the forecast wasn't so great for the beach, we didn't bother with our beach wear. Of course, as my luck would have it, it was beautiful so we camped out there for about an hour when at which point we could no longer tolerate the stifling humidity and heat. The (not-so) highlight of the trip was the $35 parking ticket I got while we were there. OK - in my defense, there was NO meter within short sight of where we parked...apparently they use those electronic meters that are set up every 10 car lengths or so. You pay, get your receipt and put it on your dashboard. #lessonlearned #thehardway

On our last day, we ventured over to Hilton Head and had a wonderful day at the beach...we spent a luxurious 4 hours there, with almost the entire beach to ourselves. We then enjoyed a great dinner at The Crazy Crab, where Ethan and I picked up matching shirts!! :) 

For being on vacation, Ethan had more than his share of whiny/crabby moments of which drove me absolutely nuts. I swear 9 is 1000x more difficult than 4yo. He was so much more easy going back then (or didn't care). I've tried a variety of things in an attempt to curb his whinyness, but none seem to be working all that well. One morning last week, he woke for school and asked if I had my work computer at home, so he could stay home....um, what? No, you need to go to school...so when he didn't quit whining, I told him he lost the ipad for the day, which only caused MORE whining!!! Seriously! He's going to drive me to drink. 

I've been slowly making my way through a few different books, but I will admit, my desire to read lately has been quite lacking....not entirely sure why.

Work has been very busy and I've been dealing with some other life drama stuff, which has kept me from blogging...so hopefully I'll be able to get back in the swing of things soon.

Bookish and Not-So-Bookish Thoughts

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Bookish and Not-So-Bookish Thoughts is a weekly blogging event hosted by Bookishly Boisterous. It allows book bloggers (and non-book bloggers) to write about pretty much anything, bookish or otherwise (i.e. share exciting plans for the weekend, rants on things encountered during the week. **************************************************************************************


1) I'm currently reading Bossypants. I wasn't initially interested in reading it, though I thoroughly enjoyed Amy Poehler's "Yes Please" and while Bossypants is fairly enjoyable, I remember laughing a lot more while reading "Yes Please". To add to that, they are both rather similar, to the point where I sometimes think I'm reading Amy's book, vs. Tina's.


2) I'm also reading "And We're Off" which I received through the Book of the Month club a few months ago. It's an enjoyable book, but since it's a "real" book vs. e-book, I have limited opportunities to read it. Most of my reading is done in bed at night (with lights off) so I'm on my iPad. We have been enjoying some late summer weather and had some pool time on Sunday where I was able to enjoy a "real" book. If I don't finish it soon, I'll take it along to the beach for Fall Break in just 2 weeks. Woohoo!!


3) I'm in love with this table for my home library! 

4) I've been having a lot of "is this all?" type thoughts lately...meaning, is this all my life is going to be? going to work in a cubicle in a corporate setting, racing home, taking E to his after school activities, racing back home and getting ready for the next day??? I just feel like there should be more to it than this, don't get me wrong, I don't want to be CEO or anything like that, but I feel like there's something bigger out there for me, but it continues to escape me. this is a super frustrating feeling. I love spending time with Ethan of course, but it constantly feels like it's not enough time and the time we have is spent rushing from one place to another. then there is the whole piece of "me-time" of which I have none, but I can leave that on the back burner for now, as I have for quite a few years now anyway. i also find myself longing to be an "expert" in something...I don't even know what that thing would be, but i feel like I only know a little about this and that, but not a lot about anything and that bothers me. is this what they would call a mid-life crisis? is this normal? have you ever felt this way?

5) On the brighter side, 7 more work days until some quality beach time with my mom and E. Good times.

6) We had a major air conditioning issue at our house over the past two weeks. talk about "freak accident"...we hung a few things on the living room wall and it is believed that in that process we hit the copper pipe to the AC which essentially "broke" the AC for upstairs. did I mention the unusually warm weather we have been having the past 10 days? it's been fun. our choices were to knock out the wall and find the hole/broken pipe, then have the AC company repair it and recharge the AC. We would repair the wall. this was also the (much) cheaper option. on saturday afternoon, when we were supossed to begin this crazy project, my husband decided that he just did not feel confident (or energetic) enough to deal with the wall issue and instead we went for the (unfortunately) more expensive option of running the pipe outside the house. the project was completed yesterday and while it's nice to have the AC back, i realized that i also enjoyed sleeping with the windows open and warmer air. it was freakishly quiet in the house when i went to bed last night. 

7) This Friday I will have the RF Ablation done...I'm both excited and a bit freaked out. Thankful that I will be put into "twilight" status. lol!

8) I caved to the pressure and hype of  The Handmaid's Tale and watched the whole 1st Season on Hulu last week. Around episode 8/9 I wasn't planning to continue with season 2, but then when I watched episode 10, I changed my mind. Whoa! Gonna be good!


9) Speaking of Hulu....the only reason I signed up for it in the first place was to watch The Mindy Project. I absolutely love her and the show...ok and I definitely loved Danny. I can't wait to see what happens during this last season. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't care who her baby daddy is...the fact that she isn't saying makes it that more intriguing. I secretly hope it's BJ Novak. They'd be so cute together. 

*the struggle is real*

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my life, these days, revolves around back pain and little else.

it's sad and yet amazing how back pain can control every single thing you do.

the 3rd injection was less than successful.

i've gone for a 2nd opinion. the news was not good.

there is only 1 thing left to be done before surgery - an RF ablation AKA burning the nerves that send the pain signals to my brain. sounds awesome huh?

i'm NOT at all willing to do surgery at this point...despite the insane level of pain i've been experiencing lately. (this weekend was near torture)

the surgeon told me the surgery would include screws and rods in my back! what? 

i'm 46 yrs old. i can't believe i'm in need of such a procedure.

i'm beyond depressed about this and am wondering when/where the full blown melt down will occur.

i think it almost occured this morning when i put a top on that i hadn't worn since last summer...and it's much tighter than it was. the weight gain piece of all of this has me completely devastated.

i worked SO hard to lose weight and do as much running as I did last year...and now, its all for nothing. i'm up 10-12lbs.

we had biometric screenings at work last week & I already got my results. of course they are much worse than last year. as if that's a surprise.

this may be extreme, but i do feel like "nothing" is going right for me these days.

i can barely stand up in the kitchen long enough to do the dishes or bake some brownies.

should i be thankful i do not have a job that forces me to stand for long lengths of time? ugh.

Bookish and Not-So-Bookish Thoughts

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Bookish and Not-So-Bookish Thoughts is a weekly blogging event hosted by Bookishly Boisterous. It allows book bloggers (and non-book bloggers) to write about pretty much anything, bookish or otherwise (i.e. share exciting plans for the weekend, rants on things encountered during the week. **************************************************************************************


1) I love this idea! Hide a Book on September 18. I know it's been done quite a bit in the UK, particularly by Emma Watson, but I'm really hoping it picks up here in the US. I'm planning to hide a few copies of (one of) my favorite books. While I'd like to buy the stickers, I think I'll make my own and save my pounds (dollars) for something else. :)

2) Looking forward to the 3 day weekend. Who doesn't look forward to an extra day off? Taking a mini road trip up to VA to see my dad.

3) I'm still "on the fence" with following through on being a Lyft driver. I've heard SO many stories of how much $$$ people have made and I love the flexibility...but as a female, I'm also a bit frightened. Oh and then there's the part where my husband doesn't want me to do this at all (for safety issues). Ugh! It just seems like it's the only (relatively well paying) part time job that would really work for me and not make me feel like a (broke) loser. Your input welcome! :) I just really want to pay down debt and increase my savings....after 6 years in a private school (and making VERY little money), I'm trying to make up some ground. *sigh*

*ETA - the more I read #3, the more I am "accepting" that it's probably just not a good idea. :(

4) I had a great time last weekend at the scrapbooking crop with my mom. Despite many many hours of (nearly) uninterrupted crafting, I remain quite behind...though I was able to fully complete my Week in the Life album from cover to cover. So excited about that. 

5) It seems whenever I return from one of these scrapbooking events, it is days, if not weeks, before I get back to scrapbooking. I'm happy to report that I actually jumped right in on Tuesday night to get a couple things done...of course, I stayed up too late and paid for it on Wednesday morning. Ha!

Bookish & Not-So-Bookish Thoughts

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Bookish and Not-So-Bookish Thoughts is a weekly blogging event hosted by Bookishly Boisterous. It allows book bloggers (and non-book bloggers) to write about pretty much anything, bookish or otherwise (i.e. share exciting plans for the weekend, rants on things encountered during the week. **************************************************************************************


1) Found another good podcast! I have become a bit addicted to The Vanished!! Each podcast is a story about someone who has gone missing and has still not been found. Pretty interesting.

2) Commence the countdown to Fall Break...my, Ethan and my mom are going to Panama City Beach, FL. I haven't been there for 25 years, so I'm pretty excited to go back since it's much more developed now. I'm also really excited to be going somewhere different/new. I need to investigate all the activities available there so we can determine what we should do. So excited!

3) Ethan & I enjoyed the Great American Solar Eclipse  from our friend's farm in Greenback, TN...in the path of Totality and it was totality awesome! :) Schools were closed here because of the timing of the eclipse as it would occur during dismissal, which means it would have been dark...then there's the whole "once in a lifetime" thing too. 

4) On that note, I couldn't believe the craze on eclipse glasses. It was like Cabbage Patch kids all over again. Thankfully we had our glasses for a while and were ready to view.

5) In addition to being off this past Monday, I was also off on Friday (Yay! 4 day weekend) to take Oscar to have 2 wisdom teeth pulled (the anesthesia was hilarious) and then I enjoyed (not) yet one more back injection at 1pm.  As suspected, it seems it was a complete waste of money since I have only had about 1-2 days of "relief". The doctor seemed to think it could help....or maybe he just wanted the $. (They are billing the insurance $1000+ for each injection). I have decided to move forward on a 2nd opinion since only 3 days after this last injection, I had pain equal to before every having seen him. #fail

6) I've had a lot of days off in August...and tomorrow is another day off. I'm excited to go on a scrapbook "retreat" with my mom this weekend. We will be at a local hotel, but it's so much fun to scrapbook from morning til really late at night. I hope to make some mega progress since the whole house painting and move completely derailed my scrapbooking progress.

7) September will be rough as I have NO days off scheduled. Oof. Add to that a co-worker has quit and will be leaving early September, leaving only 3 people on our team....down from 5 just two months ago. This should be interesting. 

Another Year Older

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*disclaimer: this post is more for my memory in looking back years from now to recall what was happening in my life at this time. you may find it rather boring. consider yourself warned. :)

*i turn 46 today.

*i bought my first pair of readers last night. much needed.

*i'm getting my teeth cleaned today...because I know how to celebrate a birthday! ugh!

*looking forward to dinner @ chez guevara tonight with ethan, mom & dave.

*we are living in our 3rd home together.

*i am not loving my job (no surprise there).

*i've been struggling with some significant back pain for about 1 year now.

*i still wonder "what if" to having made other choices earlier in life. this will probably never stop.

*i love scrapbooking, specifically "project life" but struggle to find the time to do it.

*i love reading, but like scrapbooking, struggle to find the time for it. usually in bed at night or while i'm walking/running on the treadmill.

*i'm going on a scrapbooking weekend with mom starting on friday and cannot wait. these are always so much fun and i'm glad we've made it sort of a tradition. this is our 4th "retreat" - to a local knoxville hotel - so not necessarily "retreat" but super fun nonetheless. so excited.

*and it's official. oscar has forgotten my birthday. i just got off the phone w/him and he neglected to wish me a happy birthday. gonna see how long it takes him to remember.

*updated: oscar called back 20 minutes later to wish me a happy birthday. *sigh*