What's the point?

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So much for taking a mental health day at any point the rest of this school year...an I sure hope Ethan doesn't get sick again cuz I've got no one to help me out there either!!

Apparently I have used up all of my sick days and then some.

Today was payday and my check is $200+ short! Likely docked for the last couple days I was home with Ethan. No warning...yeah thanks for that!

Totally sucks! I did send an email to inquire but I'm pretty sure I know what the answer will be.

Totally defeats the purpose of tutoring during Spring Break, of trying to get ahead.

I'll never get ahead it seems.

It's always something.

I'm so tired of trying. Of working extra to not fall short all the time.

What is the point?

It feels as though the world is against me.

I'm so sick of looking around me everywhere and seeing carefree, happy people...not a worry in the world...having babies, happy marriages, new cars, all the money they need and then some.

So sick of it all. I feel like such a loser. I hate this life!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

mom failure

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*I have not been taking many pictures lately...that needs to change.

*I want to sign up E for tee-ball this Summer. Apparently I should have thought about this in January.

*The "main" city league is full...there are already 6 kids on the waitlist...why not start another team? Seems like an easy answer to me...more kids=more money for the city and avoids frustrated parents.

*Hoping to get him in a league in another city. 

*I'm feeling like a bad mom because I missed the deadlines on this and I really want him signed up for SOMETHING.

* I was considering gymnastics but then heard all kids of negative things about The Little Gym as well as it costs a fortune. 

*There is a privately owned gym in the next city over, it's a bit of a drive but I have a call into them to see when she holds the classes.

*I feel like such a mediocre mom at this point...what else am I messing up on? Surely there must be something...

*I guess maybe it's a good thing I'm not having any more kids...I'm not very good at it, so it seems.

*And then yesterday, my poor little guy took a fall at school during the day and scraped up his nose...here's a not-so-great picture of it...

a sad 2011...so far

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*I wonder when things will turn around this year?

*Not just for me...I'm talking very generally here...

*I mentioned our teacher passing away recently.

*Last night, a mother of a 3rd & 7th grader passed away. She was only 45.

*I lost a good family friend on Feb 4, 2011.

*Another teacher lost her father around the same time.

*My neighbor's friend is losing his mother to cancer.

*I'm really tired of hearing about people dying lately...it seems to be everywhere I turn.

randomness

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*Whenever a lot of days go by & I haven't updated, I struggle to come up with a post title and my 'go-to' title is "randomness"...so there you are.

*We got thru last week at work in one piece and oddly enough, I saw more students for issues NOT related to our teacher passing away than I did for those related to grief. Go figure. 

*I am constantly reminded that I am old. What a depressing thought. I helped out with a fundraiser softball game on Friday serving as the (slow-pitch) pitcher...not a very physically demanding position, although my legs and gluts felt otherwise. Finally feeling "normal" today.

*TX school districts are undergoing major budget cuts and offering payouts to employees to avoid layoffs...looks like moving there this Summer may not work out too well. *sigh*

*In job-related news, I applied for 3-4 positions this morning..not counseling positions and not necessarily recruiting positions either. It's sad that a position that requires very little education is paying $10-15K more than what I am currently making. Makes me feel that getting my Masters degree was a HUGE waste of time and money. And maybe it actually was. Sucks!

*I've been trying to diet on my own but along with my aunt, who lives in TX...I was doing well the first 3-4 weeks but have hit a roadblock lately...lots of stress-eating and lack of running. Hoping today I get back to running but honestly, when I get home at 5:20pm, running is the LAST thing I want to do...but I will force myself once again. Totally hating this full time work crap. 

*Vent: Over 1 week ago, O did a HUGE landscaping job for a friend of our neighbor, who is currently working in CA. This lady said she would put a check in the mail that day so we would have it by Saturday (the day O did the work). Check did not arrive. Neighbor said lady is good for the $$...so I'm not terribly worried about NOT getting paid, however 13 days days have gone by w/o payment and she is not responding to emails or text messages. She suggested meeting last Wed to give us a check and then never followed through w/setting up a time. WTF? Seriously. She is a professional and I don't get this...I'm more furious about the lack of response & professionalism, than the money even. Before the work was done, she was emailing me back every 5 minutes to coordinate...and now, nothing. Not cool. At all.

*I would do just about anything to have the rest of the day off to go sit in a cafe somewhere and just read. I'm so "over" this thing called work. Ugh.

*I am totally IN LOVE with my NookColor...I never thought I'd say that, but I really do love it...I think I read faster w/it too...we'll see if that changes over time...but if you also have a Nook, let me know so we can Lend books to one another...what a great feature!!! The only downside, I have about 15 REAL books waiting to be read & no interest in picking them up...must read them and reduce the clutter.

*Speaking of reading....last night I finished another great book... "Every Last One" by Anna Quindlen  Considering I finished it in 3 days (which NEVER happens) it was very good. 

grieving

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I've been a little MIA from the blog...just outta time the past few days.

Since Wednesday things have been somewhat chaotic.

I have been on Spring Break but very sadly one of our dear, dear teachers passed away on Wednesday morning...she was so very loved by our community and her passing was somewhat unexpected. She had been hospitalized for about 7-10 days but with the expectation she was getting better and would have a long recovery period. Sadly, things did not turn out that way. She was 60.

I am a FIRST year school counselor and well...so far I think I'm holding it together but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit anxious or stressed about the coming week. At times, I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

I've been told that I'll be doing small groups (9 students) with the entire 5th grade class (she taught all of them, as our 5th grade has 3 teachers). I've been doing a lot of research on-line and I've reached out to some fellow counselors, some have responded in help, others have flaked on me completely (what a disappointment!).

There was a wake on Friday night and her funeral was Saturday morning. I was a blubbering mess at both. Once the bagpipes began playing Amazing Grace I knew I was done for...that's a tear-trigger for me, as it was played @ my grandma's funeral as well. Then the entrance hymn was "On Eagles Wings"...an absolutely beautiful song and quite popular for funerals too. 

Anyway, it's Sunday and we have a 4pm Faculty meeting to discuss/brainstorm how we will handle the coming week. The principal will be in the classroom with the students the first 2 days, possibly longer. We had already hired an interim teacher for the rest of the year as we knew she was not coming back.

So, I've prepped some handouts and such to share at today's meeting...we'll see how that goes. I have a headache now.

Hope your Sunday is better.

Loved it!!

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I finished reading "Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage" today. As with any good book, I'm bummed out that I've finished it...it was just *that* good. The minute this one came out I knew I wanted to read it and I finally got around to it. I remember enjoying "Eat Pray Love", but not quite as much as I enjoyed reading this one. The main reason for this being that I pretty much agreed with a lot of what she said in this book. I also learned a WHOLE lot about marriage in general...some of which infuriated me and I wish I had known, say 5 years ago!

This was also my very first time reading an e-book (and I finally realized I would actually LOVE an e-reader AKA Nook). I downloaded it FREE from my public library to my iPhone...it was 1016 pages on my phone!!

The book spends most of the time on discussions about Gilbert's research into the history and sociology of marriage in Western society, which I found rather interesting.

I really appreciated Gilbert's honesty and curiosity about her fears, her expectations in relationships, and her resentment toward a society that often defines marriage in a way that enforces and imposes gender stereotypes.

I'd like to share some quotes with you from the book:

"Marriage becomes hard work once you have poured the entirety of your life’s expectations for happiness into the hands of one mere person. Keeping that going is hard work."

"Equally disquieting are the times when we do make a choice, only to later feel as though we have murdered some other aspect of our being by settling on one single concrete decision." 

"I was a veritable Johnny Appleseed of grand expectations, and all I reaped for my trouble was a harvest of bitter fruit." 

"Sometimes life is messy and botched. We do our best. We don't always know the right move."

"The only difference between the 1st and 2nd marriage is that in the 2nd you know you are gambling."

I gave it "5" stars. But that's just my opinion. :)

Rapid Decline

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The quality of my life over the past 4 years.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

trash

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*let me just start by saying this week has been amazingly disappointing & frustrating...or well, at least today anyway.

*in yesterday's mail O rec'd a lovely piece of paperwork from the ridiculously stupid State of AZ. This lovely piece of paper said he owes a buttload of $$$ in child support!?!?!?!

*let me just also say I WRITE THESE CHECKS (from his account) EVERY.SINGLE.EFFIN.FRIDAY and mail them so his stupid piece-of-complete-and-total-shit ex-wife gets her money...you know, she has to make those long road trips to prison to see her THIRD and current husband.

*there is NO WAY IN HELL he is behind in child support. it is ONE THING that he does well...he has always been financially responsible for his kids.

*so all night last night I had to hear all this boo-hooing about him potentially owing this money. worried before he knew it was fact. we had noticed the case number being ONE digit off from his actual case number, which was the first clue that this might be a mistake.

*he spoke with "trash" (ex-wife) last night where she reported not knowing ANYTHING about this (and I was born yesterday) but did admit that she put in a request that his payments come directly from his employer instead of from us.  That made my blood boil. 

*see, we know she rarely spends the money on her kids, but instead wastes it on herself...always has, but of course O still pays, he has to.

*and I forgot to mention that husband #2 provided her with yet ANOTHER child and oh yeah, she doesn't get ANY money from that loser. In fact, he was either deported back to Mexico or went back over there to avoid paying her...so in essence OUR household is paying for that kid too. Yay.

*now I have never really said a negative word about "trash" because honestly, she's never been rude or unkind to me. well, I apparently saved up all those negative words for yesterday and today. every.single.nasty.word. she is all of them. even that awful sounding "c"-word.

*on the phone last night, "trash" actually had the nerve to say to O "you don't know how much we struggle"....oh boy, when he told me that I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs. seriously, she has a home (bigger than ours) WITH A POOL (hello!!) and she has a vehicle...so let's talk about who's struggling. O doesn't even have an effin car (embarrassing I know) of his own, thank goodness for his work vehicle. and we certainly don't have a pool. I want to get on the phone and chew her out so badly, it's nearly eating me up. the freakin' nerve she has.

*oh and then there's the part where she wins SHIT MOTHER OF A LIFETIME...how about setting a POSITIVE example for your daughters so maybe the 18yo wouldn't have gotten knocked up at 17yo JUST LIKE YOU. idiot. maybe that's why are you "struggling"...quit making babies. buy some condoms. get on the pill. whatever. there are TONS of options. I'm just biding my time til the younger one makes the same mistake.

*and then there's the great example you set by marrying a dude who is ALREADY in prison. Seriously!! I thought that only happened on TV...clearly her self-confidence & self-respect levels are sky-rocketing. Who does that? How exactly does one 'meet' someone who is in prison? Do they have "singles" nights for prisoners now?

*hopefully you get the picture. 

*O spoke with some fabulous State of AZ employees today and it was confirmed that there is some mix up because 'trash' moved the account from one county to another so everything he paid since being in TN was somehow not recorded...but she's been getting her money, so not sure how that works...clearly they have issues.

*besides all the frustration with 'trash'...this has brought back to the surface all my bazillion feelings of regret in marrying someone who already had kids...I always said I'd never do that and turns out that I caved completely. what a fucking idiot I am....and boy am I paying for it. with dollars and otherwise.

oh geesh

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Today I was plagued (once again) with thoughts such as "how did I make such a bad decision" and "how did I get myself into this mess" and several other thoughts of a similar nature.

I hate when this happens.

I Want Wednesday

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I want: the NookColor. I am finally jumping on the bandwagon with e-readers and letting go of my obsession to have a "real book"...what pushed me over the edge was the ability to download FREE books from my local library to any of these reading devices. I just downloaded one to my iPhone and am loving it. I've never been one to frequent the library, despite the huge economical advantage of doing so, I guess it's the idea of not knowing where the book was previously or something..I dunno.  But now with e-books...I don't have to go anywhere and can have a book in mere seconds. Oh yes, I want this!! Also, with the NookColor you can receive your magazine subscriptions on it...being Green is great!! So while I want it TODAY...I have put the plug in for my 40th birthday being just around the corner...let's see if O can pull himself together enough to get this for me. Ha!

I want: an iMac!! Yep, I'm pretty sure I'll be going over to the "dark" side with my next computer purchase. I've heard raving things about iPhoto and well, I think it's about time to give something else a try...my PCs have failed me over and over again w/this last HP taking the cake for being the biggest piece o' junk ever. Of course, the iMacs cost an arm and a leg, so who knows when I'll be actually able to purchase it...unless my scrapbook camp is a huge success...and well, right now it's the polar opposite of that.

I want: this super cute hot pink "K" to add to my collection!

I want: this awesome negative scanner....it puts the images directly onto a memory card! Soooo awesome!!

I want: a full day to myself to scrapbook.

I want: a better paying job.

I want: to move to FL or TX.

Achoo!

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I'm so over this whole being sick thing...sure being out of work is nice, but not when you can't really enjoy the time...E and I stayed home both today and Monday.

I ended up being diagnosed with Strep Throat although my throat never really hurt all that much. Besides the NP at Walgreen's being unfriendly, maybe she wasn't all that smart...I dunno. Anyway, I got an antibiotic out of the 2 hour ordeal, so I guess I won't complain anymore.

Now that I'm no longer contagious (!?) and the fact that I have ZERO sick days left, I'm feeling like I really HAVE to go to work on Wednesday although I'm not 100% at all.

Ethan is doing much better than me, displaying nearly ZERO symptoms of a cold, which is what the Ped NP said he had. Thank you daycare. Ugh!

And as my luck would have it, last week I registered  for a 5K this Saturday and have not been able to run since Friday...that will likely be a disaster. I was doing so well w/my routine too. Figures!

and yet another cold

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Seriously, this has been the roughest winter for getting sick that I can remember...we have been to the Pediatrician 3 times in the past six weeks, although the 2nd visit was E's 3-Year check up. E was sick 2 weeks prior and now again, 2 weeks later.

I really want to blame his school/daycare...I mean students @ my school aren't slobbering or sneezing on me, so I doubt that I'm bringing it home. We've both had the flu shot - thank goodness, otherwise I'm sure things would have been so much worse.

Friday I left work early, took him to the pediatrician where we were told he has "a cold"..no name for it this time. Ears looked good....just a vicious cough that the over the counter stuff was not helping at all. Now two days and 4-5 doses later...not much of a change. 

Then this morning (Sunday) he kept saying his ear hurt. He has never had an ear infection (I am thankful!)...so it freaked me out a bit. He was so hard to console and he's normally quite a trooper when he's sick, so I called the Peds emergency number. She called in an antibiotic for him so here we go again. I'm not sure if he has an infection and maybe we jumped the gun as he has not said it's hurt since this morning so maybe it was just pressure from having a head cold. 

To add excitement to all of this...he has passed his symptoms to me. Oh joy. I have a scratchy throat, some coughing (tho not as much as him) and congestion on HALF of my nose (that is SO annoying).

So I have just taken some Zicam and Mucinex to fight this off...I'm running out of sick days, if they aren't already gone...this will make for an interesting remainder of the school year.

random

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*I felt so crummy/miserable on Sunday knowing I was missing out on the WDW Princess 1/2 marathon that I am determined to sign up for the 2012 race. I cannot wait 'til registration opens!! I'll only live once and I'm tired of waiting for "things to get better" so that I can take part in more fun and enjoyable activities. I will find a way to get there next year!!

*As I stated in my last post, E and I are not going to FL for Spring Break after all, so I've been working on my plans for that week. Right now it looks like I'll send E to school only 2 days (and then I only have to pay 1/2 price-yay!) and on one of those days I will enjoy  a pedicure w/mom (we bought them thru one of those on-line 1/2 off deals-yay!) and on the other day I will immensely enjoy a full day of scrapbooking at the scrap store.

*On the 3 days he will be home with me, we will go to the Kids Museum in Chattanooga one of the days and I may look into a visit to the Little Gym on another day...I am feeling bad that my child is not enrolled in any sort of weekly activity...i.e. swim lessons, etc. I know Little Gym is ridiculously expensive so that's been my hesitation, but I have a coupon for a free visit, so I think we'll do that & see what it's all about and if he even likes it.

*I was hoping for a day trip down to ATL but that doesn't look like it's going to pan out (either!). Phooey!

*Yesterday I obtained a tutoring gig for the week of Spring Break. One of our 8th grade students who is failing FOUR classes...that should be fun! Ack! All tutoring funds are being put into my 2012 WDW Princess 1/2 Marathon registration fund. :)

*We have had SO many short school weeks so far in 2012...but it looks like that has finally come to an end. This week is a full 5 day work week as is the following week - with no snow in sight...we'll have no break until March 14 which is our Spring Break...and I am counting the days. It's been a difficult adjustment from my 3 day work week of the past 2ish years to working 5 days/week. I have NO time for ANYTHING & I hate it. Seriously, I do not remember my 5 day work weeks being so overwhelming and "time-sucking" <---is that a word?  I guess some of that reason would be I was working from home for a while which made it easier to stay caught up with laundry and such, plus I was still on my own at that time...so I generally had more time. This 5 day work week PLUS mom-duties stuff is for the freakin' birds. Geesh!

*And then to make matters worse, I have an annual counseling conference this Saturday that I have to attend. It's ALL DAY LONG...ugh. I hate losing 1/2 of my weekend. hate it.

*Last thing...one more week until Lent starts...eeks...I have decided to ENTIRELY give up Starbucks (Iced Chai is my 'drug of choice') for the 40 days. I've been trying to "practice" going w/o my Chais...so far my longest stretch is 9 days. This last weekend was rough as I had one on Sat/Sun AND Monday!! Bad! The more difficult part will be just NOT going there to sit and read...I could veg there forever...but I feel like the temptation may be too much. So I may have to overload on Chai for the next week (not really) in order to prepare myself for the 40 days of Lent. The upside...my budget will be SO much happier w/o Starbucks!!