therapy: session 1

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~you should have known I couldn't stay away long, after all, blogging IS therapy right? And at this point, I need a truckload of therapy...so consider this my first session...

~so since this is my blog and you all said you don't care about the venting here goes...it's long so grab a chair and a bag of chips....

~i'm going to vent a lot about my husband and for those of you who either (1) don't know much of the history or (2) think I shouldn't throw my husband under the bus...I suggest you stop reading now and move on to the next blog in your reader. You've been warned and I don't need the nasty comments, really I don't. I have enough crap to deal with right now. thankyouverymuch.

~yesterday the Guard called and told O he is now cleared (medically) to go to bootcamp and could leave within a week.

~O's response was that he is sick and tired of everything and no longer had the 'drive' to go. wtf? being in the military has been something he has wanted to do FOREVER and to GIVE UP, QUIT, THROW IT AWAY at this point is absolutely *&^%$ ridiculous. I cannot believe he is making this choice. I really think that I am in shock about it. I'm nearly sick to my stomach.

~I have so many emotions bottled up right now. It is all I can do keep from telling him off - IN A BIG WAY.

~We were really counting on that bonus money to build a savings account, pay off bills and then go to WDW next year. I'm beyond PISSED!!!

~Instead, he will go back to his regular (crappy paying) job on Monday. The company SOLD the truck he was using and right now O is not sure whether he'll be getting a new one or ANYTHING at all. He has NO money to go out and buy a car right now. We have one vehicle, which is MINE and that I need to use. Things just continue to go from bad to worse. They better freakin' give him a truck or I may blow up. I'm not too keen on getting up even earlier than I already do in order to drop him off at work everyday.

~In an effort to keep me calm, O mentioned that he will start saving every month so that we can still go to WDW next year because he knows how badly I want to go. Well, let's do the math....I want to go for 1 week, so let's say 6 nights @ $150 per night (I'm not staying in a dump and I want to stay on Disney property) that comes to $900. Probably average $100 for food per day. Now we are at $1500. I already have a 3 day ticket for O, E would get in free and I think I have 1-2 days left on an old ticket for myself, so we'd need to buy more tickets...approximate cost $500. That brings us to $2000. Honestly, I think this is a very LOW estimate. I think we would drive down, it's about 11-12 hours. I have no idea how much gas that would take but let's say $300 round trip and including food on the road. $2300. We haven't even looked @ Souvenirs or special engagements i.e. Safari, Water Parks, Sea World etc. Let's just round up to $3000 to be safe. That means setting aside $250 each month for the next 12 months. Yeah, that is so NOT going to happen. He's lucky if he has $25 extra each week from his crap-a$$ paycheck.

~By the way, O likes to talk out of his a$$ - at least that is what I'm going to call it and the above scenario is a perfect example. Recently he told me there was a guy who had 5 houses that needed driveways poured. He was going to make $1k each. Stupid me got all excited and guess what - it all fell through-at least for now. I could go on and on with examples, but honestly, all it will do is piss me off. The bottom line is O counts his chickens before they are hatched (AKA empty promises) and I have FINALLY learned to not believe anything before I see it, which is a really shitty way to live, but frankly, I'm sick and tired of being let down.

~I think in an effort to not feel like such a loser O went and rented a carpet shampooer today and did all the carpeted areas in the house as well as the kitchen chairs and both couches. Am I excited? Not really. Normally I would be, but I could give a shit right now. Big effin' deal. I asked him to do this before he left so if he had gone to bootcamp, it wouldn't have gotten done @ all. Whatever!! It's going to take a lot more than that to turn this frown upside down.

~So now we'll just go back to living paycheck to paycheck, which apparently for him is easy to do-he grew up poor, so it's an easier adjustment (that's my logic anyway). I grew up middle class but I also married late in life and held professional jobs with nice salaries to provide a comfortable life for myself. I am not used to living paycheck to paycheck and I effin hate it. This is not what I went to school for nor what I had planned for my life. I had better expectations for myself and my life. Back to the empty promises and no follow through - in the past O told me many times I would be able to stay home when we had kids. Yeah - another seeing is believing because if I didn't have the job I have now, there is no way we would be making our housepayments.

~As for looking for a better paying job. In the past his excuse has always been that he would be leaving for bootcamp and who would hire him knowing that he'd be gone for 5 months. Should be interesting to see what he might use as an excuse now, although I don't think he'll even bother looking for a new job.

~Just for good measure, here is another great example of talking shit..for as long as I can remember, O has said he wants to start his own business. He needs to get his Contractors license first. I have printed everything off the internet that he would need to start the process...do you think he has taken even one step towards obtaining the actual thing? Of course not. Today he says to me "what do you think if I get a loan from the bank and get my Contractors License?" It was difficult, but I tried not to bust a gut laughing. Actually instead of giving my opinion, I told him he would have to go to the bank and find out. He won't do it anyway, so why waste my breath? The original plan was to use some of his bonus money to get the license. I think acquiring more debt is a much better idea...um, no!

~So there you go folks. A few scenarios to show you why I'm @ my wit's end and why O's latest crappy decision is the straw that broke the camel's back for me. Too bad I'm not in a better situation right now to make a major change. And in case you couldn't figure it out, I could have really used a 5 month break from him.

~Oh and the little bit of retail therapy that I indulged in today DID NOT HELP me feel better AT ALL. I think I should just go out and buy that damn Canon 12mp Digital SLR. I'm sure that would make me feel ALOT better! Ha!