Wednesday, April 07, 2010

the one where i spill my guts

~so yeah, i've been MIA from the blog for a bit. if you've been around my neck of the woods for awhile, you know this means that I've not been feeling well and so I withdraw. yep, that's my MO.

~well, in a nutshell, my world sort of fell apart last week. it started bright and early on Monday morning when I was "called out" at work for acting different than I had last semester...and apparently different in a bad way, like non-communicative i.e. withdrawn.

~here I had thought I was doing such a good job at covering up all my "issues" and plugging along like a brave little soldier...I was informed that my "mask" is cracking and the cracks are getting bigger. oh great!

~so i leave the office on Monday (in tears...lots and lots of tears) i was given the day off out of sympathy and I run into my friend on the way out. we talked briefly.

~i return to school/work on Tuesday and go for my individual supervision w/my professor @9am and she asks "how's your week going?" to which I reply "ok" (such the liar i am huh?)...and she follows with "well, friend's name told me about yesterday and she's really worried about you"....she went on to say that this friend later emailed her to retract her conversation and ask prof not to say anything to me for fear of me getting mad...granted, at first I was mad, but not at my friend, I was mad because i didn't want to talk about everything AGAIN...and that's exactly what happened. Yay for crying for 1 hour straight, 2 days in a row. I told you it was a GREAT week!

~so i had my meltdown/breakdown/fell apart ....whatever you choose to call it. i hate admitting that I'm not as strong as I like to think/thought i am.

~are things better this week? not really, but i'm working on improving my "fake it 'til you make it" one wants to hear about another person's problems or issues...well, unless you are paying them...and so I have to plug along as if everything in my world is absolutely wonderful. but it is not. and so that is hard. very hard.

~i will admit that talking to my prof was amazingly therapeutic even though at that time I was terribly upset and uncomfortable, when I think of it now, it feels warm & fuzzy. too bad i can't go to her on a regular know, the whole dual relationship thing...damn.

~we met again yesterday for my supervision and well, that was slightly awkward. then we had class today and I was the first one in the room and my prof was the second person in the room. again slightly awkward. yet oddly enough I have this strong desire to call her today and ask if I can meet with her. but i won't. i think.

~clearly I'm a mess and just trying to hold myself together. I am struggling to focus today...big time.

~heck, i can't even get some help from my endorphins since I am prohibited from running for two weeks so that my back can recover. that was just MORE bad news I received last week.

~to top it off, my face looks like a pizza...wth? I am NOT 15 years old anymore and it's not STRESS!!! Ack!

~so i am counting down this semester with more intensity than ever before. i'm beyond wanting to be done, it's more like NEEDING to be done. three more weeks. 21 more days. so so ready to be done.


Beth said...

Oh, I wish I could come over and talk with you and help you work out some issues! You DO have a lot on your shoulders but remember this... YOU are stronger than you know.

I'm thinking about you. Call me if you need to talk.

Señorita Andalucíana said...

You know if you really need to talk to someone and can't put this on your prof (who seems to help a lot) then try the school therapist. At my old university they had a few therapists just for students, yours may offer the same. They should offer at least 5 or so free sessions. It may help you to vent to someone else physically and in person. Blogs are great but it's not always as helpful when you need the personal contact. I hope you feel better :)

Fidgeting Gidget said...

I'm sorry, K. I was actually just thinking of you last night because I hadn't seen a post from you in a while. It sucks when you're feeling shitty and you're forced to pretend everything's ok...that wears on you after a while. Trust me, I know.

Email me if you need someone to vent to...I'm a good listener!

Travel & Dive Girl said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your shitty week. I know how you feel about not wanting to talk about things and working through them on your own.

Don't doubt yourself - you are a strong person! Just remember - even the strongest of us have mini-meltdowns once in a while.

I hope you feel better soon - 21 more sleeps and this semester will be behind you. *hugs*

em said...

I'm so sorry. :( It's so hard sometimes to put on that happy face when things aren't going well. And even though it sucks that maybe you were "found out"...I'm happy to hear that the conversation was therapeutic and things are hopefully on the up swing!

AlexyRouse94 said...

I hope everything works out for you! I'm so sorry everything hurts right now. I think you should call your professor. You shouldn't have to put your fear behind a mask. I've done that before and everything hurts worse. Out of instinct I actually want to tell you you can talk to me, but since this is a personal issue and I'm a total stranger, obviously I won't ask. But do talk to someone.
And get better soon!
Wishing you the best!

Anonymous said...

I'm with Em, I'm glad you were "found out" and forced to talk about it. Sometimes I find it's not so much the "stuff" that is getting you down, but the trying to not let people know you're going through it to begin with. Keeping it all in makes it all feel so much worse than if you'd just let it out.

Anonymous said...

Oh I'm so sorry to hear about your bad time of it. I also hurt my back a few weeks ago and haven't started running again either. The lack of endorphins is the worst.

I guess it is one of the good things about doing the degree you're doing, that you get to deal with your stuff. But sometimes I think I'd want to just jam the stuff down and forget about it.

Rachel said...

Oh, girly! :( I thought it was unusual that you hadn't posted anything in a while. I'm sorry to hear things have not been looking up for you. If you need to vent (to someone who isn't an involved party) feel free to email me! I'm a great listener! PROMISE! :)

~**Dawn**~ said...

(((HUGS))) Believe me, after plastering on the happy face for years, I know what a toll it can take. You have to let it out somewhere, at least once in a while, or it will eat you alive.

JW.BW said...

I hope things are getting better for you!!! Hang in there!

Heidi Renée said...

You can make it to the end! If there's one thing I've learned about you through your blog, it's that you are a tough cookie. And when you're not feeling tough, get yourself a Starbucks chai and tell yourself that when you finish it you'll be ready to attack again.

Everyone here believes in you!