Wednesday, April 07, 2010
the one where i spill my guts
~well, in a nutshell, my world sort of fell apart last week. it started bright and early on Monday morning when I was "called out" at work for acting different than I had last semester...and apparently different in a bad way, like non-communicative i.e. withdrawn.
~here I had thought I was doing such a good job at covering up all my "issues" and plugging along like a brave little soldier...I was informed that my "mask" is cracking and the cracks are getting bigger. oh great!
~so i leave the office on Monday (in tears...lots and lots of tears) i was given the day off out of sympathy and I run into my friend on the way out. we talked briefly.
~i return to school/work on Tuesday and go for my individual supervision w/my professor @9am and she asks "how's your week going?" to which I reply "ok" (such the liar i am huh?)...and she follows with "well, friend's name told me about yesterday and she's really worried about you"....she went on to say that this friend later emailed her to retract her conversation and ask prof not to say anything to me for fear of me getting mad...granted, at first I was mad, but not at my friend, I was mad because i didn't want to talk about everything AGAIN...and that's exactly what happened. Yay for crying for 1 hour straight, 2 days in a row. I told you it was a GREAT week!
~so i had my meltdown/breakdown/fell apart ....whatever you choose to call it. i hate admitting that I'm not as strong as I like to think/thought i am.
~are things better this week? not really, but i'm working on improving my "fake it 'til you make it" skills...no one wants to hear about another person's problems or issues...well, unless you are paying them...and so I have to plug along as if everything in my world is absolutely wonderful. but it is not. and so that is hard. very hard.
~i will admit that talking to my prof was amazingly therapeutic even though at that time I was terribly upset and uncomfortable, when I think of it now, it feels warm & fuzzy. too bad i can't go to her on a regular basis...you know, the whole dual relationship thing...damn.
~we met again yesterday for my supervision and well, that was slightly awkward. then we had class today and I was the first one in the room and my prof was the second person in the room. again slightly awkward. yet oddly enough I have this strong desire to call her today and ask if I can meet with her. but i won't. i think.
~clearly I'm a mess and just trying to hold myself together. I am struggling to focus today...big time.
~heck, i can't even get some help from my endorphins since I am prohibited from running for two weeks so that my back can recover. that was just MORE bad news I received last week.
~to top it off, my face looks like a pizza...wth? I am NOT 15 years old anymore and it's not TOTM..thank.you.very.much STRESS!!! Ack!
~so i am counting down this semester with more intensity than ever before. i'm beyond wanting to be done, it's more like NEEDING to be done. three more weeks. 21 more days. so so ready to be done.