Thursday, May 29, 2008

~@ home, day 3~

~I'm really trying to cherish this time @ home with Ethan so why in the back of my mind am I finding that I'm constantly worried about finding another job?????

~What if nothing comes up? The economy stinks -or so the media says- hiring has slowed down in general, although not so much in certain areas...

~I'm starting to think I may end up back @ SBUX working for $7.50/hour serving coffee until something better comes least it was more fun than the hospital and since the shifts are fairly short I wouldn't have the dilemma of needing to pump while @ work. Of course, I didn't go to college to work @ SBUX,but I guess that doesn't matter right now.

~I thought that I wouldn't start really worrying until late next week or so, but I guess I was wrong.

~Lots of folks keep telling me 'something will come up' and as much as I want to believe them, it's a pretty easy statement to make when you're not the person needing a job.

~And then there's those moments when I find myself stuck in the past and feeling angry that I am in this situation all because of a stupid phone call and a promise of a job from a stupid company called LENOVO - I will never buy one of their *&^%$# laptops EVER (they are an IBM spinoff). All because of them, I am left w/o a job and it really pisses me off because if I were still @ my former job I think it would have led to a permanent offer, which is what I've wanted for some time now.

~Last night I even found myself doing the 'coulda-shoulda-woulda' talk...if I still had former job, we COULD HAVE gone on a little family vacation later this year, Mom and I COULD HAVE made the road trip up to Michigan to visit my best friend, Laura, ...not to mention countless other advantages.

~I really wish I could stay out of this rut of 'what-if' thinking...I just can't accept what has happened to me and through no fault of my own...I'm just so upset about it. I guess that I have a feeling of being treated 'unfairly' or something, which never sits well with me - I can't stand when anyone is treated unfairly...I have a big hang up with 'injustice.'

~Unlucky me. Heck, if I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck @ all.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

~who me?~

Taken 5.27.08
Age: 3 months, 2 wks & 4 days

~@ home, day 2~

Sometimes I think I could get used to this @ home thing, but I know I would get bored eventually so hopefully a job comes along sooner than later.

Anyway, today has already been productive: made the bed, 1 load of laundry, emptied garbage, shower, trip to post office & grocery store...much more to come, I'm sure.

On the not-so-bright side, I had 2 jobs sort of 'pending' but have gotten updates on both: one of them the company decided they aren't going to hire externally to fill the position and the other, which was a work @ home deal again - they really needed the person to be in Miami, although initially they were considering telecommuters, in the end it just wasn't going to work. Bummer too because that of course would have been ideal. *sigh*

I'm not worrying yet, but if I'm home in a month from now, I'll surely be getting nervous. I'm already losing A TON of hair and I have been for about a month now. I can pretty much pin the start of hair loss with when all the job stuff starting happening, so I guess it's stress related....even though I'd heard that hair loss is common post partum.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

~so productive~

I am SO productive when I don't have to's what I got done today...

~dropped E @ sitters
~went to temp agency, completed application & interview (2 hrs)
~went to post office, mailed package, bought stamps
~changed clothes in car
~picked up E from sitters
~went to hospital to drop off key and ID badge
~stopped @ SBUX to visit former co-workers
~drove home
~made 1/2 dozen deviled eggs per O's request
~made meatloaf for dinner
~1 load of laundry
~filled and ran dishwasher
~caught up on friends blogs
~tweeked resume
~fed E in between all of other activity
~changed a few diapers as well
~went to bank to open savings acct for E
~stopped @ Walgreen's to buy box to ship out Ebay stuff
~ran 1.25 miles on treadmill
~60 crunches
~2 sets of arm weights

It's only 7pm - I could still get quite a bit more done too....

Monday, May 26, 2008

~I *need* this~

My present to me when I get a new job:

I sure hope I get a job soon too...

Sunday, May 25, 2008


~Ethan was baptized today - here are a few pics. There aren't any of us @ the church because since all of us were involved in the baptism, we couldn't take pics. I hired a gal to take pics for me but of course, I do not have them yet.

~Here are a few snapshots we took @ home...

Saturday, May 24, 2008

~a Friday 5 swiped from Dawn~

I swiped this from Dawn's blog...

1. Describe where you grew up: a suburb of Detroit, approximately 30 minutes outside of the city. At the time it would have been considered a middle-class neighborhood. I've heard it's getting pretty run-down now though so probably wouldn't want to live there anymore. Of course, all of Michigan is in bad shape with this not-so-lovely economy and Michigan currently holds the title for "most foreclosures" - not a good title to have. Very sad actually.

2. Do you wear any jewelry? Yep. Earrings (2 holes each side), a watch, at least 1 ring, necklace and a bracelet. If I don't have a watch on, I feel naked.

3. What do you have too much of? nothing that I can think of really. I'm a minimalist and I don't like clutter so I wouldn't say I have too much of anything.

4. Who is a fool? I'm going to try to be nice today and not answer this, but I could definitely list a couple people.

5. What's your nickname? I don't really have a nickname anymore, but back in high school I was often called "Max", especially on the softball field.

Friday, May 23, 2008

~quitters never win~

Well, I guess I'll never win cuz I'm quitting the hospital job.
(heck, I never win anything anyway)

Yep, I'm calling up there on Monday and quitting.

I'm miserable there.

The schedule just isn't going to work out.

It's not the job for me.

And pumping...what a hassle there!

I'll be unemployed...but I'll be spending time with Ethan, so it's not all that bad really.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

~for sale?~

no time to scrapbook these days
not really that interested in it either
contemplating selling off some product
for the extra cash and
for project:declutter

should I do it?

Monday, May 19, 2008


Cause everything I did wrong
just keeps haunting me,
it won't let me be.
"What I Wouldn't Give" by Blake Shelton

Even though I didn't do anything 'wrong' for the work situation to turn out as it did, these lyrics still hit close to home. I feel like I'm being crap luck I suppose.

Today was orientation day #1 - eh, I just don't want to be there so it's hard to feel positive or excited about it. Tuesday is more orientation and then training all week.

I have 2 opportunities 'in the works' so hopefully I hear something on one of them VERY SOON. I really don't want to do this hospital's just not going to work out well.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

~the end~

~yesterday was my last day at work. It was a VERY rough day. I didn't think I would break down but oh boy did I ever!! It was not good. I did manage to hold it together for lunch when they took me out for pizza though.

~today was the company picnic. they invited me and I felt sort of obligated to go, although not so excited to go. I just got back and try as I might to not feel crummy, I cannot help it. I detected very distant and cold behavior from the lady I work with on-site and she had always been supernice to me etc. but not yesterday or today. I'm not sure what changed.

~when I left she said 'i hope everything works out ok' which was strange because normally she would say 'i hope something comes up here so you can come back' - because she knows that is what I want and she has told me that is what she wants too.

~now i'm confused. I'm just going to have to put it out of my mind...besides I'm sure it'll be like "out of sight, out of mind" and in time everyone there will just forget about me anyway.

~at this point I feel like the whole freakin' world is against me. it seems that not even one person is 'on my side' in this never ending struggle that is my life.

~it sucks.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

~the reason~

I spoke with friend last night, told her about the job 'drama' of the past few weeks.

Her response 'everything happens for a reason, you just may not know the reason right now'

I sure wish I COULD know the reason because it would truly ease my mind and all the stress I am carrying (hence being awake @ 2:04am).

I was doing OK this week so far, looks like these last 2 days of the work week I may not fare so well.

Once upon a time, I lived a virtually stress-free life (and I was happy)...I truly long for those days. I miss stability and peace of mind. I think it's about time they return to my life. If you find them, please point them in my direction.

Did I mention how much I'll miss many of the people @ my work?

I find myself trapped sometimes asking "why, why, why did my manager do this to me?" It makes no business sense.

I'm sorry, apparently, I'm still stuck in a (negative) rut here.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

~another reason why I'll miss this place~

There is an older man working here - he's about to retire, but he is a wealth of knowledge and they desperately don't want him to go...anyway, he has a lot of hiring needs and I've worked with him quite a bit. He doesn't want me to leave and offered a reference if I needed it.

He is sort of a grandpa-like type, with an adorable Santa Clause-like figure, makes you just want to give him a big 'ol bear hug.

On Monday - he came in and said I was looking really good since having the baby. Awwww!

On Tuesday - he came in and said I looked really nice!

(Note: Everyday for the past week I've been running @ least 1 mile on the treadmill, doing 60 crunches and some arm weights and I'm down 7 lbs since May 1 - FINALLY!!!)

I blurted out "Oh, I'm gonna miss you Fred! You are the only one who says such nice things to me!"

And it's true!!! I sure will miss him.

OK - back to other good news to report.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

~theme song & hiatus~

Go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
I'm laid out on the floor,
but I've been here before,
I may stumble, yeah I might fall,
im only human but aren't we all?
I might lose my way,
but hear me when I say,

I will stand back up,
You'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid, and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

I've been beaten up and bruised,
And i've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe,
When the darkness tries to get me,
There's a light that just won't let me,
It might take my pride, and tears may fill my eyes,
But I'll stand back up,

I've weathered all these storms,
But I just turn them into wind, so I can fly,
If what don't kill you makes you stronger,
When I take my last breath,
That's when I'll just give up

So, go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
You might win this round but you can't keep me down,
'Cause I'll stand back up,

And you'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up.

And you'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up.

"STAND BACK UP" by Sugarland

I heard this song on my iPod today and thought it was quite appropriate for me @ this point in my life. I'm pretty beaten and bruised right now, but eventually I will stand back up. It may not be tomorrow or the next day, but it'll happen eventually.

In addition, I will be taking a hiatus from blogging. As therapeutic as it may be, I'm tired of posting all the negative crap that continues to happen to me and I'm sure you're tired of reading about it. It doesn't really help all that much to blog about it anyway.

I'll be back....eventually.

~3 months~

Ethan is 3 months old today.

I will post his picture with his new "3 months old" onesie later tonight if I have a chance.

~no surprise~

can't sleep. too upset. ethan up a lot tonight too. i'm working on about 3.5 hrs sleep. looks like it'll be another wonderful day.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

~ended up being a bad day~

Things started off well this morning as the scale was down a couple pounds for me. I was pleased to see my workouts paying off.

As lunch approached - all went downhill: I broke down in tears when I was informed that evil mgr contacted the gal that covered for me during my maternity leave to come work 1/2 days for the 3 wks between when I leave and the new lady starts. Of course she is going to do it, if you recall from my earlier posts, she was constantly saying how desperate she was/is for the money and even though she has another role w/the same company, the pay is substantially less so I'm sure she's ecstatic to come and fill in here where the money is better. How convenient for her? She ends up with a long term contract job w/the company simply from filling in for my maternity leave and I end up with nothing. (Karma Gods hate me)

What really irks me though is that evil mgr kept asking for my contact information saying she would contact me if something changed etc. etc. ...well somehow I don't think that'll happen now cuz they'll just call 'maternity leave' girl instead (that is what is most upsetting to me) Why pretend you will contact me when in reality you have NO intention of doing so, despite how happy the hiring managers are with me?

Oh and I forgot to mention, they are having her start next Wednesday so I can bring her up to speed...I'm so NOT in the mood for that. 

I feel so unbelievably insulted, crapped on, disregarded, worthless, unappreciated and useless.

I guess all I've done in the role in the short 5 months I've been there means ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

I really want to just crawl under a rock and not come out EVER. I could probably be diagnosed as Clinically Depressed at this point. I truly cannot think of one thing to be happy about...and please don't say "Ethan" - yes, I love him and am happy with him, but I certainly can't feed him or keep a roof over his head if I don't have a job.

I feel like such a failure today.

~in a funk~

I can't help but feel a bit on the depressed side these days. I've done a 180 in terms of where & when I want to work. I only have 2 wks left here and I'm unbelievably sad to be leaving. I've finally started to really get to know some people here and make what could be some lasting friendships and now it's coming to an end. That stinks.

In addition, I'm really stressed out about the financial piece - as I've mentioned before. And then there are the scheduling issues with going to the hospital job. Crap! Why is this happening like this? I'm so frustrated and cannot seem to find a solution or anything to give myself some peace of mind. I would love to put the hospital off another 2 wks but I fear they would tell me to 'take a hike' considering that I've already made them wait 4 wks since receiving the offer.

I really hope my co-worker is right about her intuition/gut feeling that the woman will back out of taking this job. I wish she would and I wish she'd inform them of such decision within the next 2 wks so I can stay.

I finally have the perfect childcare arrangements which works wonderfully right now. Unfortunately, she is 30 minutes from my home which makes it difficult/inconvenient to use her once I leave this job. Sure I don't like this commute or the amount of gas I burn lately, but other than that, all is wonderful.

Honestly, I know I've fret over lots of things in my life, but I don't think I've ever been as worried about things as I am right now. Maybe it's because I have someone else to worry about besides myself. That must be the reason.

And of course, I would not have to worry so much if my 'lovely' husband would pursue a better job...or if he had not turned down what was a marvelous offer...but that's another story that I will not go into as it just infuriates me and I don't need to feel that way right now.

There is one other reason why I don't want to leave this job, but I cannot disclose that information. Let me just say it increases the level of difficulty and hurt in leaving this place.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008


~not much to report today...still in a bit of a funk over the work thing. I guess I'm just 'screwed'...

~when talking to my mgr and co-workers in her office (in Ohio) - I get the same thing "make sure we have your contact info and if anything changes we'll get in touch with you" - for some reason that doesn't make me feel ANY better. They might as well just say "thanks for setting up the entire recruiting process for your location, now we are giving the job to someone else even though you wanted a full time position all along, everyone @ your job site hates to see you go and we've gotten rave reviews on your work" Damnit!

~got my workout in again tonight. 2 nights in a row. that's a streak for me...let's see how long it lasts. I even managed to race up to Old Navy to make a return.

~I've gotten progressively better at multi-tasking. I am feeding E while typing this! How's that for talent? I figure if I want to post at all, I have to find a way to do it while taking care of him @ the same time.

~my iPod almost went to the iPod graveyard today. I play it @ work on a little portable speaker and when I disconnected it to leave, it just froze. Different songs would play but the screen stayed the same...strange. Thankfully I was able to restore it here @ home and I'm now reloading my songs. I still think it may have 1 foot in the grave as their life expectancy is only 2 years and I think we've exceeded that a bit....I really really really want an iTouch so if my iPod does kick the bucket, I may have to get the iTouch. (but not if I'm making peanuts...then I'll just have to go without).

Monday, May 05, 2008


I sure wish someone would buy something from My Etsy Store. I don't think I'll bother making anything more 'til something else sells. Smart, huh?

Why after I post an update on Twitter do completely random people choose to 'follow me'?? Some of them are following more than 20,000 people too...really..what's the point? You can't possibly read that many Twitter updates.

I did some walking & running on the t-mill tonight as well as 50 more situps...I wasn't in the mood but I figured that was even MORE reason to do it...maybe it will give me a jolt of endorphins and put me in a better mood.

I don't know what is more difficult - taking pictures of Ethan or taking pictures of Milo &'s nearly impossible to get any of them to look @ the camera.

I'm going to a crop on Saturday. It's supposed to be an all-day crop from 8am-10pm but for me it'll be more like 12pm-7pm (if that). I was really excited about it 4 wks ago when I signed up but not so much now. I figure it's one of only 2 days I spend with E and I'm missing out AND I'll have to pump (blech!) when I'm there. I will not be going to another crop for quite some time. The only reason I'm not backing out of this one entirely is because I've already paid for it. Maybe I can offset the guilt by working on the 1 year of mini-books for Ethan while I'm there. I need to finish March and April.

I signed up for Up & Running with Photoshop with Jessica Sprague. It started today. I'm determined to learn this freakin' program. I have successfully completed Lesson 1. My computer does not like running PS and IE @ the same time...this could be an issue later on. Here's the layout I made:

The only 'issue' is that frame came as is and the orange line runs into E's mouth...oh well.

It's almost 9pm, I'm off to bed.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Got this list from Nichole, who got it from Dawn...

Maybe I should... go to bed.

I love the smell of... fresh corn tortillas.

People would say that I'm...reliable.

I don't understand why...weight loss has to be so difficult.

When I wake up in the morning... I often wish I could get a couple more hours of sleep.

I lost...a lot of sleep in the past 3 months. LOL!

Life is full of... lessons learned.

My past is... full of many things I would like to go back and do differently.

I get annoyed... when people are dishonest.

Parties are...not very exciting for me.

I wish...they lady who is taking my job would change her mind (and soon).

Dogs... are supercute, but can be a lot of work.

Cats... are also supercute and require much less work.

Tomorrow... is a day of rest & relaxation (I hope).

I have low tolerance...for people who think they are better than others.

I'm totally terrified by...not being able to support myself.

I wonder why...the Karma Gods have been so hard on me lately? What did I do?

Never in my life have I...bungee jumped.

High school... was just 'ok'...not great, not awful.

When I'm nervous... I cannot concentrate.

One time, at a family gathering...we ate cake & ice cream & celebrated birthdays...well, actually that happened MORE than just one time.

Take my advice...I have no good advice to give, I tend to make poor decisions so I wouldn't want to steer you wrong.

Making my bed... is not a common occurance these days.

I almost always...go to bed by 9:30pm during the week.

I'm addicted to... caffeine-free diet dr. pepper

I want someone to... lower the gas prices.

~love the lyrics~

It's a long trip alone over sand and stone
That lie along the road that we all must travel down
So maybe you could walk with me a while
And maybe I could rest beneath your smile
Everybody stumbles sometimes and needs a hand to hold
'Cause it's a long trip alone

It's a short piece of time but just enough to find
A little peace of mind under the sun somewhere
So maybe you could walk with me a while
And maybe I could rest beneath your smile
You know we can't afford to let one moment pass us by
'Cause it's a short piece of time
And I don't know where I'd be without you here
'Cause I'm not really me without you there

"Long Trip Alone" by Dierks Bentley

Economic Stimulus - Ha!

~Our contribution to the economy was going out for dinner last night. LOL!!! Unfortunately, the rest of it will likely go to medical bills. The lovely government will need to give us some more money if they want us to actually go out and buy stuff. Hee Hee!

~On both Wed & Thurs I walked & ran on the treadmill, did 50 sit ups as well as a little weight lifting for toning purposes. I have that great 'after-workout' soreness and I was feeling really motivated to continue my nightly workouts...that is until I got on the scale Friday morning and there was still NO change. Wow! Unbelievably frustrated. I will still continue working out though but I could really use some positive reinforcement from that darn scale.

~I gave my notice @ work on Friday. The people I work on-site with already knew I was leaving so I basically had to inform my (evil) manager. I feared that she may just run me off but she didn't so my last day will be 5/16. I would really like to stay longer but I cannot put the hospital off any longer, it's been 4 weeks since my offer. The new lady is not starting here 'til 6/9 now so I could have stayed 'til then and still left w/o training her, which is really the only reason my mgr wanted me to stay though June. I told her that I could not stay 'til June and then be stuck w/o a job..hence leaving in 2 wks for the hospital. Speaking of the hospital, I'm not so excited about the opportunity anymore...I know, I know...but here's why: (1) I will be on days for the first 3 weeks which causes child care issues as well as lower pay (no shift differential), (2) when I finally go to nights my shift is 6:45pm to 7:15am and O needs to leave for work well before 7:15am so we have an 'issue' there (3) when will I sleep? and (4) the pay is just low low low - a lot lower than I thought and I'm not sure if it'll be enough, although I am paying off all bills before the job change. I may even pay off my car.

~Additionally, I'm really enjoying my current job and the people I work with, which is making it really hard to leave. They are having a company picnic on 5/17 and have invited me, even though I would technically no longer be an employee/contractor.

~If they called me to come back to work here, which they may, I would take it in a heartbeat. Yes, I still would rather be @ home w/Ethan but that's just not in the cards for me (working or not) and I have finally come to terms with childcare and am at peace with Ethan being @ the sitters all day - at least I know she is doing a good job and loves having him there. I don't have to worry about him. Yes, I would rather it be me, but sadly it's just not meant to be right now.

~My dark side desperately wishes the woman will change her mind and not come to work here or if she does, than I hope she can't hack it. Did I mention that she has already worked 30+ years and is taking a voluntary retirement pkg from her current company and then coming to work here? Yeah, I think she just needs to stay retired!!!

~After the hospital called me yesterday to tell me about the scheduling of the first few weeks, I started feeling pretty's just not as 'ideal' as I had thought or hoped it would be. *SIGH*

~Here's hoping the woman backs out and I can stay where I'm at...wishful thinking maybe...but the lady I work with on-site said she has a gut feeling/intuition that it will happen - I guess partially based on comments the woman made when she met with her. Oh, how I hope she is right.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

~crazy 8s~

8 Passions in my life:
my love for animals
playing softball (which I miss terribly)
traveling (currently having withdrawals)
broadway musicals
*I could only come up with 6*

8 Things to do before I die:
go to Australia
see a major league baseball game in every stadium
learn to snowboard
have a great group of girlfriends
win the lottery
have a job that I actually ENJOY
swim with dolphins
ice skate @ rockefeller center

8 things I often say:
'Hi punkin (to Ethan)
I'm tired!
I'm fat!
I hate my scale.
Why won't the scale move?
I have nothing to wear.
Tell me about your current job responsibilities (when I'm interviewing candidates)

8 books {and/or magazines} I've read recently:
Scrapbooks Etc
American Baby
*no time for books these days*

8 Songs that mean something to me:
Lonely Alone by Julie Roberts
Long Trip Alone by Dierks Bentley
Rain on a Tin Roof by Julie Roberts
Settlin' by Sugarland
Stupid Boy by Keith Urban
Every Other Weekend by Reba McEntire & Kenny Chesney
Boston by Kenny Chesney
Be As You Are by Kenny Chesney

8 Qualities I look for in a friend:
patience (you'll need it w/me) LOL