Sunday, May 17, 2009

state of severe distress!!!!!!!!!!!

~that's how i'm feeling right now.

~E cried for nearly 2 hours tonight. At that point O said "aren't you supposed to go in there and soothe him?". Since I'm sick and tired of the stress that O is inflicting upon me and i'm tired of fighting this battle, I went in there and rubbed E's back 'til he fell asleep. It was 10:45pm.

~i'm so distressed over this whole situation, but the part that has me most upset is O and his stupid a$$ reactions and inability to deal with this. he cannot see the big picture. Last Wed i was finally seeing progress in this whole thing and we would have likely been done with this by Friday or Saturday night. Now, who knows what will happen.

~i finally broke down as I was rubbing E's back. definitely not the best place for that to happen but thankfully my tears and sniffling didn't keep him awake.

~to make matters worse, E and I are going to VA this Friday through Sunday and I'm certain the change in location will totally screw with his sleeping arrangements. We'll probably have a couple more crying nights upon our return and that will most certainly not be fun. THEN, the following week is when mom, her husband, E and I are supposed to go to Atlanta - again I anticipate the same issue.

~i'm to the point where i'm wondering what i did that was so awful in life that all these negative things are happening to me.

~i feel like my world is caving in around me. i really feel like there is not a single thing going my way right now. everywhere I turn there is stress. it seems like the entire world is against me. i know this isn't true, but it's how i feel. and then i get caught up in my regrets. past decisions i've made that i am completely regretting now, especially since said decisions were made based on false information provided to me @ the time. yes, that is vague on purpose.

~i've said this before, but i constantly go back to it because I often doubt the accuracy of the statement: they say God only gives you what you can handle. well if that's the case, i'm feeling like i'm at my threshold if not WAY past it. i cannot take anymore. something has got to give.

~going to try to sleep now. not feeling too optimistic about that though.


~**Dawn**~ said...

I wish there was something I could do or say that would help but I know when life sucks, there really *isn't* anything that will magically erase it. The only thing I can say is that I'm here & I've got you in my thoughts & prayers. And if *no* other reason than all of this has had to happen... maybe the reason is you needed E. At least he is the ray of sunshine in all this. I'm going to hope that the change of scenery does the opposite & makes a world of difference.

Pravin said...

Hi! i've been reading your blog for months now and I am kinda hooked!

Don't worry too much and stress yourself out..nothing's worth punishing yourself for.

I haven't been in your position so I can't say I know how you feel..but always stay helps alot! :)

Anonymous said...

Maybe the change in scenery will actually help E sleep alone? One can hope. And I can totally understand your feeling that you can't take anymore. I felt that way dealing with Caitlin's death and the girls being in the NICU. I wish I could tell you something that would help. . .I'd say dig deep, that you're stronger than you know, but I know you've felt you've dug as deep as you can go. Just keep hanging in there; something'll give soon, hopefully it's not you.

lolit said...

i wish i could help you out on this, i know how much you are going through right now, i am sad because you seem so alone in taking all these things with E. i can onlyn give you comforting words. pls have more patience, and i will pray that you can get over it soon.

Brandi said...

I understand how you feel, I really do. All I can say from my experience is that every time I've reached that point where I know I can't take any more, God shows me some mercy. Everything doesn't automatically get better, of course, but little by little the tides begin to change. I truly hope this happens for you very soon! You're in my thoughts!

Gaston Studio said...

I can't add anything; just wanted to express that I can also relate and hope that it will all pass soon for you and E.

Travel Girl said...

It feels like the weight of the world on your shoulders. I think we have all been there and wondered how much more we could take. Getting away to Atlanta may be a blessing. It always helps to distance yourself from the problem (I'm talking about the "O" guy not precious little E).

marathoner81 said...

I hope you'r efinding yourself well rested this morning and ready to take on another day. I agree with Travel Girl, getting away although stressful on some levels may be just what you need...a little break before taking this battle head on again. Wish there was something other than words of support I could offer you. Stay strong..but it's also good to break down, get it all out and then start stong again!

Krystyn said...

Hopefully, the change in scenery and the extra help will do you some good.

Maybe the breakdown is just what you needed to get right back to it?

KekeLynn said...

Oh boy do I know how you feel. Everything seems to be falling apart and there is no light at the end of the tunnel.

But things WILL get better not just because we want them to, but because they just have to.

Keep your chin up, I hope things turn around for you soon!

Moonjava said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the stresses and frustrations that you're going through right now. *Hugs* Maybe take a moment, get away somewhere, and scream at the top of your lungs!

M.J. said...

I can't even pretend to know what you're going through, but I can send some love and positivity out into the universe for you. You are not alone.

tamma13 said...

Just wanted to send you some positive thoughts and tell you to hang in there!

The Novelista Barista said...

hey lady,,,

i know u are having a horrible day and shit has hit the fan.... but ur lucky to have some wonderful things in ur life, even though they may not feel wonderful right now, they are overall.

keep smiling!


you have received the funky blog from me!!

Absolute Truth said...

well i don't what more can be said but im sure everything will be fine...(im aware it dosn't that way) but it true you don't get more than you can handle. Point in fact is today i thought i was running late so i chase the bus for bout a half mile still miss it & miss the express, then had to walk the rest of the way only to find out i wasn't late at all. The point had i justed relax & calmed down i would've been fine. I think you should just relax what ever will happen will happen all you can do is be relaxed & take all in stride.