Thursday, February 19, 2009

~being fat sucks~

~So yeah, I've been overweight/fat for as long as I can remember. Not fun.

~I'm @ the point of complete frustration these days. I really thought getting into a routine with being @ school/work, even if only 3 days of the week-would help my never ending battle of the bulge. So far, my hypothesis has been proven COMPLETELY false. No significant changes in weight AT ALL. I am thinking that I need a complete miracle @ this point to shed this remaining 17 lbs of baby weight.

~I've been terrible @ drinking the 'required' 4 bottles of water per day. It's amazing if I get in 2 bottles.

~As far as working out, if I'm lucky I am able to run 3 days/week - which are Thurs, Fri & Sat. While I would LOVE to run 2-3 miles, there are currently 2 obstacles preventing me from doing so. (1) I have not physically worked up to that distance, although I could do it via walk/run combo and (2) E absolutely, positively, without-a-doubt, despises being in the pack-n-play which ultimately makes it nearly impossible for me to run more than .5 mile. I just cannot continue to listen to him fussing any longer than that and I start to feel terribly guilty. Of course, running only .5 mile three times per week is not very helpful in my efforts to shed 17 lbs.

~Yes, I could go to the gym, but the issue there is that E has major separation anxiety and while I have a hard enough time leaving the house Mon-Wed mornings with the babysitter that he is finally used to (but still cries sometimes), there is no way I'm leaving him with the childcare workers @ the gym. I just don't think there's as much tolerance for a screaming 1 yr old @ the gym daycare center.

~And then there's the plain and simple fact that I just cannot seem to stop eating crap. Complete & utter crap. I don't know what's wrong with me. For the longest time, I could not remember even purchasing a candy it's sort of like I can't remember the last time I DIDN'T buy a candy bar. Yep, today I had a Hershey's plain chocolate bar and it was delicious. Had one yesterday too. Chocolate is my Kryptonite lately. In contrast, I generally pack a pretty healthy lunch: yogurt, fruit cup & a turkey sandwich or a Smart Ones frozen meal. Then I get home and things spiral out of control...dinner varies between a completely unhealthy Mexican meal which includes refried beans & too many tortillas or other random junk like canned Chunky Clam Chowder soup (although it was the healthy request version). Dinner is usually followed up with either a bowl of cereal or milk & cookies.

~I was NEVER like this - with the sweets late @ night. No, I'm not pregnant! I am usually not even hungry so I'm not so sure why I'm even eating this junk.

~Oh yeah and whatever happened to that whole "breastfeeding helps you get off the baby weight (really fast)"...heck I should weigh 110 by now then. My goal was to nurse E for 6 months and now we're approaching 13 months. On a side note, the main reason I have not weaned him is because O cannot stand the sound of E crying and well, the weaning process is going to involve some crying because this child normally falls asleep with a boob in his mouth. So basically I do not have any support from O to wean and ultimately I don't want to deal with the stress of weaning E as well as arguing with O. It's just too draining.

~In O's defense (who cares, right?), the whole 'can't stand E crying' is more that it upsets O that E is unhappy. It's not that he can't stand the noise of the crying. So, it looks like the weaning may not occur until August, when O leaves for 19 wks...oh joyful lucky me, another 6 months of nursing. I really want my old boobs back. Maybe I'm the only woman on earth who wants smaller boobs, but I have a drawer full of bras that I am determined to fit back into. They are just too damn expensive to go out and buy a bunch of new ones.


Anonymous said...

I want smaller boobs, you're not alone. I was mortified when I first got pregnant and they got huge. Then, my stomach got huge, and my boobs at least looked more normal. Now the babies are out, my stomach has supremely deflated, and my boobs, once again, look huge.

Welsh Information Services said...

I'm kind of biased. I've loved full-figured women my whole life. Maybe you can get down to a "comfortable" size? But sometimes this "fatness" is in the genes.

I'm rooting for you, but don't loose it all. lol