Friday, December 31, 2010

Reverb - Day 31

Core story. 

What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world?

Sadly, the first thing that came to my mind is negativity and bitterness. I feel this is ALL that I am anymore. I'm sure my (few) blog readers are sick of it and well, frankly so am I. Sure I could "change" it right...pretend that my life is wonderful, be other people do...but sorry, that's not me. I'm not a good liar either. I wasn't always so miserable, but these are the cards I've been dealt over the past few years and I've become a pretty unhappy person because of it...though mostly just when I'm in deep thought or looking/reading other people's blogs...particularly those who are happily married, popping out more babies, staying at home with their kids, having good times with friends...all of the things that I want, but don't have right now and not sure when (if) I ever will. Right now I am stuck, against my will. I am powerless to make a change & likely will be for some time.

I'm certain this lovely way of being is why less and less people read my blog...and at the end of the day, that's really OK. I've kind of gotten away from blogging until this Reverb series, which has been fun, but today is the last day and I'm really not sure when I'll blog again. What's the point anymore? For Ethan to read this in 10 years and think "damn! my mom sure was unhappy!"...well not sure just how much I'll continue with this. I won't delete it (lesson learned previously) as it's always good to look back upon...maybe someday when I'm  happy again to see how far I've come and to see that things really did get better.

And sure, you can go ahead and say that there are people out there w/lives worse than mine...that is likely true, but also don't think that my full story (of shit) is posted here...there is much more to it than what I share here (another lesson learned).

So it pretty much sucks that what I feel is at the CORE of me is BITTERNESS which in turn had made me into a majorly negative person.


Karen said...

I get where you are coming from. I read so many blogs where people are able to work from home or seem to have situations that I wish I had. I struggle with it. There are days I think maybe I would feel better if I unplugged from the blogs for a while. In the end, I know that I have to work on me and the hand that I have been dealt in life. I find that things have a way of getting better. It might not be tomorrow but focus on the things that are going right and then do the best you can with the other.

Amy said...

Yes sometimes the internet is just bad. David tells me I need to try and focus on the good parts. Like, yes my daughter died, but we have two more healthy little girls and we still love each other. You can be grateful and sad at the same time, which is so weird!

And for some sick reason, I find it funny that you said "to those who think I'm not so bad off, I've got worse shit hiding, so I'm worse than you think!" Or something to that effect.

Kris said...

I totally felt like you were stealing the words right out of my mind with this posts! I am knocking anyone, but I have such a hard time pretending to smile when Im not in a smiling mood! People always say others have it worse, but it never makes your situation change or go away. I too am always feeling bitter anymore and it's exhausting! I hope the new year brings much happiness!

Travel & Dive Girl said...

I've been following you for some time and I'm so impressed by your strength and determination. I respect your ability to share your emotions openly - I envy that. Don't apologize for being bitter... if that's how you feel, tell us about it. That's what your blog is for and let's be honest, E will not care what's written on your blog. All he will know is that you are a fantastic mom that created fabulous memories for him.

I know it doesn't count for much coming from me, but I believe in your ability to carry on and find a way to happiness. You'll find a way - sometimes it takes risk and short term sacrifice for the reward and long term gain. I'm rooting for you! *hugs*

~**Dawn**~ said...

I still read. I am just ridiculously behind on reading (as this late comment shows) & I refuse to just mark all as read. I can't do it. (((HUGS))) I hope that things begin to look up for you somehow, some way. I hate knowing friends are unhappy & there's little I can do to help.